We've just had a visit from a lady who Pea and Chook introduced to me as my Auntie Jan. This confused me no end as she didn't really look much like a guinea pig. In fact she looked suspiciously human, so I wouldn't be at all surprised if they where pulling my furry leg. Anyway Auntie Jan seemed nice enough as humans go, but during the five days she stayed she displayed a rather unfortunate scientific interest in animals and animal behaviour. This meant I had to participate as a guinea pig (appropriately enough) in various experiments that she deemed necessary to carry out in the name of science.
Don't worry. She didn't have me smoking cigarettes. Neither did she drip chemicals into my eyes the way some cosmetics manufacturing companies do to rabbits. She didn't attach electrodes to my head to try to figure out what I'm thinking about. (Just as well because at that moment she wouldn't have been flattered.) No, it was much worse than that. She had suspicions that my eyesight is not very sharp so she held a piece of red capsicum (my very favourite treat) at varying distances from my nose to see at what point I finally realised what it was. I fooled her into thinking that I couldn't see it when it was out of reach, so when she brought it so close that it was almost touching my nose, and she thought that I must be totally blind and in need of a white stick and a labrador, I struck like greased lightening and snatched the juicy red capsicum out of her hand before she could move it away again. Next she tried to train me like a dog - how insulting. While I was having my evening run around the floor she would try to make me come to her, which I steadfastly refused to do. What's to stop her coming to me if she's so anxious to get closer to my adorable presence. Then when I was on her lap she tried to get me to roll over on my back to have my tummy scratched. Dogs might be dopey enough to do this and expose their naughty bits to all and sundry, but not this little furry pig. In the end Auntie Jan just threw her hands in the air and declared that there was no way she could teach me anything. I could have told her that to start with and saved her a lot of trouble - I already know it all.
Now there is a rumour flying around the Pea and Chook household that there is going to be an addition to the family. I've heard them saying that I should have a playmate. They've been checking out various guinea pig welfare websites and have discovered that it is a myth that male guinea pigs housed together will fight to the death especially if one of them is a piglet. This means that I might soon be getting a baby brother. I would have preferred a cavy chicky-babe but since Pea and Chook are concerned that their house would be overrun by piglets in a matter of weeks that doesn't seem likely to happen. Anyway, at least it now seems that I won't be having all that is precious to me removed and there wouldn't be much point having a chicky-babe around if my manhood went missing would there?
So it looks as though the Pea and Chook house will once more echo to the sound of four tiny feet and I suppose it will fall to me to house train him and to tell him about the birds and the bees.........and the bats. I certainly have first hand experience of the former thanks to the low flying, dive bombing Biggles the budgie. Bees I'm not so sure about, and as for bats, my advice would be to avoid them and their awful screeching and wing flapping like the plague - bloody vampires.
Well, there you have it my friends. As soon as something small and furry turns up in my cage you'll be the first to know.