Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Snobs and Ferals

Just harking back for a moment to my last blog "Just Plain Weird", and the revelation that Malawi has made passing wind illegal.  I sincerely hope that these vicious, greenhouse gas emitting criminals are locked in a well ventilated secure wing well away from petty mass murderers and terrorists.  To make another inmate who was probably guilty of nothing more than beheading a child, setting fire to a cat and stealing an old ladies bible share a cell with such a hardened farting felon would surely amount to cruel and unusual punishment - for the child beheader I mean.

Meanwhile I'm just beginning to understand what dreadful snobs Pea and Chook are.  As I understand it, they moved to Cooroy from Coolum Beach nearly ten years ago to escape the "ferals" who had moved in there.  Now I'm not sure what they mean by "ferals".  I can only assume that Coolum is crawling with cane toads, rabbits, foxes, Indian mynahs and every other non-native animal you can think of.  (Guinea pigs excluded.  We're not feral, we're exotic.)  It's hard to imagine Pea and Chook objecting to having to share their home with any animal though so they must mean something else.  What I do know is that Pea reckons that being well dressed in Coolum means that you're wearing a new pair of thongs.  (That's flip-flops for you Poms, not skimpy knickers, although no doubt some will wear both.)  Being well groomed as well as well dressed means that you've also washed your feet sometime this month.

They like to tell the story of how not long after they'd moved to Cooroy they were sitting at a coffee shop in Cooroy's main street with Chook's Mum and Dad, explaining what a wonderful place Cooroy was and that you get a much better class of person there.  No doubt Pea and Chook had their little fingers cocked as they slurped their lattes.  It was Sunday lunch time and the pie shop across the road was just closing.  A man in a stained blue singlet riding up over a hairy beer gut which peeped provocatively out from under it strode into the shop, his greasy pigtail slapping against his back and his porky thighs wobbling under a pair of all too revealing, skin tight shorts.

A moment later he re-emerged, his face an angry shade of crimson.  Evidently he'd been told that as the shop was about to close he could not purchase a pie.
  "Well f#*k yiz then!" He yelled at the top of his voice.  "Yiz can shove yer f#*k'n shop up yer f#*k'n arse!"
He then grabbed a five or six year old girl (apparently his daughter, who was waiting outside) by the hand and said to her "F#*k 'em Koyley.  We'll go somewhere else."

Evidently Pea and Chook just looked at each other and simultaneously said "Must be from Coolum."

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