Saturday, February 19, 2011

Billy the Badger Bonker

Well, I now have a little friend.  He's a black and white short-haired little bloke called Badger.  I guess he's less than half my size which may be why his eyes bulged a bit when I tried to give him a nice welcoming bonk.  Pea and Chook had put us in our play pen and Pea then climbed in to supervise us.  I don't know what he thought I was going to do to Badger, eat him maybe.  All I did was greet him nose to nose and then went around the back and mounted him.  What's wrong with that?  I'm sure humans do it all the time when they first meet.  Anyway, I never had Pea down as being homophobic but every time I climbed on Badger's back he pulled me off and castigated me as though I had sinned against God and all that is righteous.  It probably didn't help when I eventually ejaculated on his hand.  Good grief I was only trying to be friendly.

In hindsight that might have been a slight error of judgement on my part, although hardly surprising.  After all I've been celibate for the seven months or so that I've lived with Pea and Chook. What did he expect?  So once again I fear that the vet's scalpel is hanging disturbingly over my testostricles. Hardly fair is it?  From what Pea and Chook are saying I'll have another chance to redeem myself.  They are going to put Badger and I together again later today to see if I can control my baser urges.  It'll be difficult, after all he is a very attractive little cavy, so smooth, soft and sleek.  It's hard to believe that he's a bloke, and that's the problem.  If Badger was ugly, scruffy and smelly (Like Pea come to think of it.) I wouldn't be nearly as smitten, but one look at that cute little black and white snout, his little pink nose and gorgeous brown eyes and I'm done for.  So somehow when the time comes I'll have to control myself, shake his paw, say "How do you do?  Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Billy.  So sorry about that little incident yesterday old chap, I wasn't really feeling myself."  Either that or I could just leap on his back and bonk away like last time.  Trouble is if I do that I just know that I can kiss my goolies goodbye - so to speak.

Anyway, enough of my problems.  While I was searching the bottom of my cage for a piece of newspaper to mop up some of the wee I've been producing lately to mark my territory I read that humans are become worried about the increasing frequency of shark attacks.  There are even calls to cull great white sharks.  Jeez you humans are dumb!  Of course there have been more shark sightings and attacks close to the shore.  You're eating all the bloody fish in the ocean - dragging out every last tiddler in your dirty great nets.  What are sharks supposed to do - go to Maccas and say "I'll have a fillet 'o' fish, a large fries and a chocolate shake please."  Here's a radical idea.  Cull the fishermen and leave the sharks alone.  It'll take a while but there'll be more fish in the sea and fewer sharks willing to chance their arms (Do sharks have arms?) attacking and chowing down on you dopey humans.    

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