I'm famous, a celebrity. Google Billy the Pig and both my website and my blog appear on the first page and there are 13.5 million results for Billy the Pig. I'm not telling you this to brag, we cavies don't have to do that. Everyone already knows how special we are. I just want a little understanding. You see, like many celebrities I am a little highly strung and from time to time I might do something that mere humans find a little strange. I like to eat my own bush chocolate for a start. Even Charlie Sheen doesn't do that, but then again who knows what he gets up to in the privacy of his own toilet ? I've yet to appear in a sex video although my male staff is always threatening to film me mounting Badger and sell it to Channel Nine.
He also accuses me of being a drama queen just because I get a little tired and emotional sometimes. For example last night I was sitting on my female staff's lap having my hair brushed and my feet massaged - yes I was having my feet massaged. What's wrong with that? My male staff was giving Badger a bit of a cuddle, then he decided to hold Badger a couple of inches from my face. Then wouldn't you know it, he tried to bite my nose - Badger that is, not my male staff - thank God! He's probably got rabies. Anyway I was so shocked that I ran up to my female staff's shoulder, where I sat cackling and squealing like a girl. Just for that I get accused of being a drama queen - can you believe it? What sympathy did I get? None, zilch, bugger all. My staff just laughed at me. I just sat on my female staff's shoulder with as much dignity as I could muster and gave Badger my best death stare. It's not up to Julie Bishop's standard of course but it's not half bad. It was wasted though, Badger doesn't have the imagination to be scared.
As you know I like to keep up with the news, and just the other day I was scraping away at my straw in search of a bean that I thought I must have mis-laid (Turns out I'd already eaten it.) when I came across an extraordinary item in the newspaper that lines the bottom of my cage. A policeman in a helicopter with a heat sensitive camera in Bradford, UK spotted a hotspot on a garage roof . The suspicious policeman (I suppose it goes with the territory.) radioed in to say that he suspected that the house might be being used for growing cannabis. So anyway, the coppers knocked politely on the door of the house (As they do.) and voiced their suspicions to the occupant who happened to be standing in front of a large poster of Bob Marley and a great pile of weed.
"Honest officer" said the occupant "I'm not growing cannabis in my garage." He was then questioned about the hotspot on the roof. Turns out it was a heating system to keep his guinea pigs warm. What a nice man. I only hope he shared some of the weed he was probably growing in the basement with his piggies once the coppers had gone.
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