The Morals of a Randy Guinea Pig

My staff have just bought a new vacuum cleaner and it really sucks. I mean that in a good way. It slurps up stray bush chocolate even faster than I do, and that's saying something. They've also bought Badger a new, lighter food dish. This means that he no longer has to inhale his food from a distance but can now drag his dish to the door of his house and have breakfast and dinner in bed. When I asked for a similar dish I was told that I'd have to continue to walk to my food because I'm too fat and need the exercise. Bloody cheek! Is that any way to talk to a celebrity?

Did you get through April Fools Day unscathed? I think I did. Badger didn't. I told him that my staff were thinking of making us share a cage and he spent the whole day with his backside pressed hard into a corner. Actually he's still there now I think. My male staff was telling my female staff about his favourite April Fools pranks. There was a TV programme in the UK called "Tomorrow's World" - a science programme. Apparently they had good ones every year. There was the one about the spaghetti tree where a reporter stood in front of a tree draped in spaghetti interviewed the "spaghetti farmer" about how good his crop was. They also had one concerning a proposed bridge between Australia and New Zealand which took people in despite the distance between the two countries being well over a thousand miles. His favourite, came from a Sydney radio station who made hoax calls to people purporting to be from a telephone company. They told whoever answered the phone that the telephone company was about to carry out line cleaning and that a blast of compressed air would be sent down the line to rid it of dust, therefore it would be a good idea if the handset was placed in a plastic bag to prevent a cloud of dust being spread throughout the room. The poor phone company received dozens of calls complaining about the inconvenience. The radio station received one call from the telephone company's solicitor.  

However, my own personal favourite April Fools joke concerns Transocean Ltd, one of the companies who along with BP brought you the Gulf of Mexico oil spill last year. It has been reported that their CEO Steve Newman was handed a bonus of $374,000, taking last year's earnings to almost $6 million. This bonus was due to the the company have an "exemplary" safety record under his leadership. The company apparently noted with regret the loss of 11 lives and the spillage of 757 million litres of oil into the Gulf.  It's a great joke isn't it? I bet the people laughing hardest are those in the fishing industry who have had their livelihoods destroyed and are still waiting for compensation. You really have to admire some of the big multi-national companies for their sheer breathtaking arrogance. They have all the morals of a randy guinea pig - I should know.