Whew! It's been a hot week. Badger and I have been sitting on our ice blocks, sucking beans, sipping water and generally feeling somewhat limp in the heat. Our staff have been bad tempered and snappy, taking shower after shower - not that it helps, they're still smelly. Only Paolo and Biggles the budgies don't seem to mind. In fact they actually seem to enjoy this sort of weather. They cheep at the top of their voices and splash around in their drinking water. Very uncouth - even for Australians. We Peruvians would never do such a thing. I always try to keep my drinking water clean and am horrified that I sometimes find a piece of bush chocolate floating in it. I have no idea how it gets there, but I suspect Badger might be lobbing it through the bars of his cage for fun when he gets a bit bored. Anyway I only have to squeal like a girl and my staff come running to give me some fresh water, so it's not really a problem.
Yes I know it was one of my New Year's resolutions not to squeal like a girl, but I thought what the hell, everyone else seems to be breaking promises and lying through their teeth so why should I be left behind. I also promised my male staff that I wouldn't ejaculate on his hand again, but that only lasted about a week. I had just mounted Badger and he berated me and then pulled me off, (If you'll pardon that rather unfortunate phrase.) then Bingo! He had a handful and I was being roundly berated again. He's only jealous because I've got more followers on Twitter the he has.
Anyway, just to show that I'm in good company when it comes to telling pork pies, here are a few of my favourites.
Our Labor Prime Minister, Julia Gillard said "There will be no Carbon Tax under any government I lead." Now of course it is one of the main pillars of government policy.
My male staff said he will give up coffee and cheesecake. Fat chance, that's like a normal person saying that they will give up breathing.
The Liberal Party opposition leader Tony Abbott promised that his party would be more competent fiscal managers than the Labor government, and then he appointed Barnaby Joyce as shadow finance minister.
My female staff vowed to become a light eater. To be fair she has done this. As soon as it's light she starts eating.
Former Prime Minister Paul Keating said that planned tax cuts were "L....A....W law". What he didn't say was that L......A......W in this case stands for Lying Arse Whole. (Spelling was never his strong suit.)
Queensland LNP opposition lead John Paul Langbroek promised to stand and fight for his position when it was challenged by Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman. His resignation speech came the very next day.
To coin a phrase from another distinguished Australian Prime Minister John Howard, these were obviously not "core promises", but then even he was called a "lying rodent" by a member of his own Liberal Party - Senator George Brandis. This is going just too far and is an insult to all rodents, particularly one rodent in particular who is not a million miles from the pointy end of this keyboard. Promises made regarding erroneous ejaculations and girlie squeals aside I have never ever told a lie.