One day last week I was sitting on top of my little red shelter gazing into Badger's cage hoping to catch a glimpse of his sexy little black backside as he shoots out of his little blue shelter to grab a piece of carrot, when Chook chucked several lumps of wood into my cage. "There you are Billy" she fawned. "Here's some nice new toys for you."
"Bullshit!" I said, not out loud obviously as I don't like to seem ungrateful. These alleged toys were chunks of wood, painted and shaped to look like various types of fruit. There was an orange, an apple, a banana, a pear and a strawberry. She showed me the packet. The "fruit" was supposed to smell like the real thing and be irresistible to guinea pigs. Apparently I'm supposed to chew them so that my teeth don't get too big and I don't end up looking like some sort of hairy miniature hippo. Well guess what. They smelled and tasted of wood. What does she think I am? A bloody beaver? If I've told Pea and Chook once, I've told them a thousand times. If you want to get something to keep me entertained get me a Game Boy. This beaver fodder had set her back ten bucks and all it does is get in the way when I'm trying to get to my food. The only thing they smell of now is bush chocolate.
The momentous events related above have somewhat overshadowed the events in Libya where a civil war is raging. Why is it called a civil war? There's nothing civil about it. It's all extremely impolite if you ask me. The Libyan people are revolting and Gaddafi is going out of his way to be even more revolting. He's almost as ugly as Wayne Rooney. The whole situation is turning to bush chocolate and confusion reigns in the west over what should be done about it. Australian Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd wants a no fly fly zone, but Prime Minister Julia Gillard thinks cockroaches should be more of a priority, but then she's from Victoria and has never much liked New South Wales. Tony Abbott says he'll oppose it whatever it is. He's the leader of the opposition, so that's his job.
Meanwhile Piggi-Leaks can reveal a private conversation that took place in the bedroom of George and Laura Bush. This comes via an un-named source. (Major Hugh Jarswobbil of the 13th Marine Corps - a brave but somewhat naive man.)
Laura: Say George, what do you think of Libya?
George: I think they're just swell Laura.
Laura: Whaddya mean "they" George? It's a country.
George: Is it? I thought it was what you find between a woman's legs.
Laura: That's Labia. Maybe you're thinking of a clitoris.
George: Aclitoris? Wasn't he that Roman guy in Gladiator?
Laura: Never mind. What are you reading?
George: "The Joy of Socks." It has a hundred and one different ways to rearrange your sock drawer.
Laura: Sounds exciting!
George: Oh, it is Laura. It really is.
Laura: Goodnight George I'm going to sleep.
At this point in the tape there are a few moments of silence.
Then from George "Uhhh Uh Uh Uh.............Mission accomplished. Wow that really is a good book."