From my vantage point on my male staffs lap as he scanned the news on the BBC website I was shocked to find that just when you think the America's attitude to guns can't get any more ludicrous they surprise you. Utah has proudly become the first state to have an official state firearm. It's the Browning 1911. You'd think by now that Americans would have learned not to glorify guns, but no. Do they realise or even care how stupid this makes them look to the rest of the world? Let me ask you a straight question - mammal to mammal. Is there no end to this ludocracy? (Yes I know ludocracy isn't a real human word, but I like it.) Or can America become still more ludicrous and adopt the following.
Obesity - The official disease of California.
Alligator bites - The official injury of Florida
Incompetent Presidents - The official export of Texas
White robes and pointy hoods - The official outfit of Mississippi
Sarah Palin - The official nincompoop of Alaska
When are you colonials going to realise that carrying a gun simply means that you're more likely to get shot. In the same way that carrying a knife is likely to get you stabbed. For heavens sake GROW UP or I'll get Mrs Thatcher to take your toys away!
Meanwhile back in the real world - or Australia at least, the ANZAC spirit has once again come to the fore. Hundreds of brave folk in Victoria are resisting the annual invasion of one of Australia's deadliest creatures - the duck. Like German Junkers 88 bombers during London's blitz they fly viciously overhead and brutally land in wetlands to breed, eat and quack. Bastards!! Thank heavens for the group of courageous souls armed only with shotguns who protect us from the invaders' deadly beaks and webbed feet.
"Enough with the sarcasm already Billy." I hear you cry. Yes it's the Victorian duck hunting season again and already, along with thousands of ducks a protester has been shot by a fourteen year old kid whose gun is probably bigger than he is and whose lead pellets are almost certainly bigger than his father's brain. They say that duck hunting is a sport. Like hell it is! Isn't a sport meant to be a contest between two evenly matched contestants? The only advantage the duck has over the hunter is it's superior intellect. You might as well call clubbing seals a sport - or harpooning whales. My great fear now is that some dopey Queensland politician will introduce a guinea pig hunting season and Badger and I will be forced to hide under our staff's bed amongst piles of our own bush chocolate while some dork in waders and a deer-stalker hat fires his twelve bore shotgun willy-nilly into our cage. Can you buy body armour on Ebay?