Sunday, July 7, 2013

Rodent Smuggling

Please excuse me if this week's post seems a little rushed. This is because I have to escort my male staff to England on Tuesday and I've been too busy packing to think about what to write. So far my bag is heavier than his. There's my dry food, enough vegetable and basil for three weeks, my two food bowls, my water bottle, my hay, my pigloo, my blankets, my brush, my nail clippers, and last but most importantly (and I'll have to kill you if you repeat this) my photograph of Badger. Badger himself will be staying behind to look after my female staff because she pines for my male staff so much that she has to drink a bottle of champagne the moment he gets on the plane and goes out shopping all day and partying all night just to dull the pain of his absence.

My female staff, her mum and frantic sister show their sadness at my 
male staff's temporary departure.

It's just as well that my male staff is coming along because I can't even lift my suitcase. My male staff as usual is travelling light. As we are going to be stopping in a few South African game lodges on the way he has packed his binoculars, but so far that's about all. The main reason for the trip is to attend a wedding. My male staff's mad sister's daughter - his lunatic niece is getting married and the thought of all the free alcohol food at the reception proved too much of a temptation, never mind the fact that he wasn't invited. He's never been one to let such a minor impediment defeat him.

And so, on Tuesday morning, bright and early (if my male staff remembers to set the alarm clock), we'll be piling into the Hyundai Getz and belting down the Bruce Highway to Brisbane airport. It still hasn't been decided how he's going to sneak me past security. You might remember that last time he shoved me down the front of his trousers and told me not to bite anything. This worked quite well until we got on the plane and the first meal came around. The large lady in the seat next to us....and partially in ours too if the truth be told, became rather upset and agitated when my male staff unzipped his fly and started shoving bits of lettuce into it, then when I popped my head out to see what all the fuss was about she started screaming. Naturally I ducked back in again, it was a horrible racket and was starting to attract the attention of the cabin crew. Fortunately the woman fainted before they arrived and my male staff told them that she was asleep and that he thought she was probably having a nightmare.

The airline cabin crew demonstrate to the passengers what to do in the extremely likely event of my male staff passing bottom wind on the aircraft.

So, bearing all that in mind we may have to rethink our strategy. We've thought about hiding me under a hat, but then I'd have to sit still for ten hours at a time because people get suspicious of men with squirming heads, and then there's the problem of what to do with ten hours worth of bush chocolate, not to mention the more liquid stuff and I refuse to suffer the indignity of having to wear a nappy.
My female staff suggested that I hide in my male staff’s camera case, and I’d probably just about fit, but Badger pointed out that the way my male staff’s memory is at the moment it might not be such a good idea because the first time he wants to take a photograph of something he’ll probably pull me out of the camera case, put his eye to my bottom passage and then twist one of my ears to adjust the focus, so that idea was soon abandoned. If anyone out there can think of an idiot proof way of smuggling a large, hairy rodent through customs please drop an email to me at 


I'm so glad that I'm staying behind with my female staff. She's promised to take me with her for a manicure and a pedicure while my male staff is away. The main disadvantage is that I'll have to put up with her piano practice all by myself. I've begun fashioning earplugs out of carrots so hopefully my hearing will survive the ordeal.


  1. It is possible you could sit still and pretend to be a handbag?

    1. Thanks for the great suggestion Foley & Pocket, but I fear that a hulking great six feet two tall bloke like my male staff might attract unwanted attention if he's seen carrying a small furry handbag. However, given the total lack of other ideas, it might just be worth a try.

  2. So masquerading as a toupee is out. Perhaps disguised as a travel pillow?