Sunday, January 16, 2011

Michael Bolton In Drag

Chook tells me that Pea is a travel agent and that he earns a poultry living.  I can only assume that means he gets a bag of bird seed every week.  Not that I care as long he makes enough to buy me a few green beans now and again.  I'm not even sure what a travel agent does, but it has to be better than spending all day outside in all weathers in a health field like Chook.  I think he might be some sort of reverse people smuggler.  Foreign people smugglers send refugees to Australia and Pea sends Australians to fill the gaps left by the refugees.  It all seems pretty pointless.  Wouldn't it be simpler if everyone just stayed where they are?  I wish my Peruvian ancestors had, then I wouldn't be stuck here with these two fruitcakes!

Apparently Pea specialises in Africa and Chook says he's always buggering off there and leaving her to feed all the animals.  As if looking after me is a chore!  You'd think she'd be grateful to have my company to herself now and again.  He says that dung is very important in Africa and for some reason it's vital to know the difference between black rhino poo and white rhino poo.  (How hard can it be?  One's black and one's white, surely?)  He seems to spend most of his time overseas inspecting doo-doos and thinks it's fascinating to hold a fresh elephant turd in his hand, feel it's warmth, break it open and examine whatever it was the elephant had for lunch.  Yeah right!  Sounds riveting.  Why can't he just go to Bali for a week like everyone else.  I just hope he washes his hands before he cuts up my carrots.

He says that the little impala pellets that he sees liberally scattered about the African bush are called "bush chocolate" by some of the locals and now that phrase has been appended to the offerings of my own bottom passage.  I don't mind that.  I sometimes hear Pea say to Chook "There's some bush chocolate under your chair."  It sounds nicer than "That hairy rat has crapped on the floor again."  I try my best to look innocent but with Pea being such a crap expert there's no way he's going to blame it on the budgies and Chook isn't a realistic suspect either.

Anyway, all this talk of crap reminds me that we all sat up and watched "Troy" on telly the other night.  God it was awful.  Chook said that Brad Pitt made his character Achilles look like Michael Bolton in drag.  She reckons that 007 Daniel Craig would have been far better and she has a point.  I can see him in the role.  "My name is Illes, Ach-Illies."  She also said that she quite likes Tommy Lee Jones and that he would have been good as Hector instead of Eric Banana or whatever his name is.  Chook then got that far away dreamy look in her eyes and sighed, "Brad Pitt is too pretty, I like the rugged outdoors, action man type."  Pea brightened considerably despite the woeful acting and the never ending commercials.  Then Chook added "But I'm still glad I married you anyway."  For some reason he looked a little deflated and went to bed shortly afterwards.

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