Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Illicit Bananas

Ha!  I knew it wouldn't last.  Pea ate a large hunk of pork last night.  His two month stint as a herbivore is officially over.  He's been whinging about being tired and listless for a couple of weeks and things came to a head yesterday when he was so fatigued he had to have a "nanna nap" in the afternoon.  As a consequence he ate half a pig and immediately proclaimed that he felt better.  On the other hand I feel rather nervous.  I really don't like the way he drools when he looks at me.  Actually he drools a lot anyway.  I think its his age. Nevertheless, he has me worried and the fact that he asked Chook if she thought guinea pig would taste like chicken certainly did not help.  If this turns out to be my final blog will somebody please call the RSPCA.

Well, first it was the Israeli spy vulture, now it's the Colombian "narco-pigeon."  Yes, that's right.  Narco pigeon.  One of the stories on the newspaper lining my cage says that the Colombian police have arrested a pigeon for attempting to smuggle 45 grams of marijuana and cocaine paste into a prison at  Bucaramanga.  The police reckon the load was too heavy for him and he crash landed before he was able to fly over the wall with the stuff strapped to his back.  Personally I think he was set up by a stool pigeon.  Either that or the cops were tipped off from the inside by a jail bird.  I'd use the one about being hauled up before the beak again but I don't like to repeat myself.  You have to admit I'm pretty good though.

I find the increasing employment of animals in both legal and illegal activities rather alarming.  I might be the next one pressed into slavery.  There are seeing eye dogs, hearing dogs, cadaver dogs, drug detection dogs, explosive dogs, they even have dogs at the airport that can tell if you've eaten an illicit banana in the last month.  There are sheep dogs, gun dogs, police horses and army ants - not sure what they do.  In Laos and Cambodia they even use giant rats for mine clearing.  What happened to animal rights?  Does this cheap labour have a union?  In Peru my ancestors belonged to PUSSI - Peruvian Union of Socialists Serving Incas.  Mind you, a fat lot of good it did them.  They all ended up working for a pittance in restaurant kitchens either washing up or as an entree. 

So, adios until next time.  If there is a next time, Pea has got that carnivorous glint in his eye again.
Remember to call the RSPCA if you don't hear from me again within a week. 


  1. Well! I am bedazzled, bewitched and I must say a little bewildered at times by the blog of Billy the Pig. I had the great pleasure of meeting you Billy when my family and I recently dined with Pea and Chook. We did NOT realise Pea was a veggie head at the time and happy to report there was little in the way of tooting evident. I must say Billy, I think Pea and Chook seem rather confused at times. I mean with names like Pea and Chook they seem conflicted as to which side of the fence to sit with regards to dietary requirements. I do however think you can rest safe in your cage Billy - they did seem extremely fond of you and in the time we have known them have never resorted to eating family members. I think Pea rather insensitive though for eating pig on his return from the dark side...could have had chook ...well, OK then lamb or beef.
    We look forward to reading more offerings on the net Billy. I think it hilarious that Pea and Chook are unaware you can sneak into their office in the middle of the night to practice your keyboard skills.... humans can be rather naive at times. Keep up the good work - I think you should have a regular column in the Australian - I find your commentary much more amusing than much written in that illustrious rag.
    Stay safe and away from the bats.
    The Shaw Family – members of Billy the Pig official fan club.

  2. I just want to put it on record that i was quite concerned when I initially saw your photograph on this page.
    It looks like your head is being presented on a pretty gingham picnic cloth.
    After reading the above, I wonder if there is a more sinister plot ahead (ptp).
    Rest assured I will be keeping an eye (the unpatched one) on you.