The Lassie Diet

My male staff can always tell when he has gained a couple of unwanted pounds. There are a few subtle signs. Firstly, his knees start to ache when he runs and secondly his belly hits him in the face when he jumps up and down. He also starts complaining that he hasn't seen his feet for a while, and other parts of his anatomy go missing too. Not that anyone will miss those.

My female staff also notices when my male staff realises he's putting on a bit of weight. She says he starts sucking in his stomach when what he considers to be an attractive human female goes past. Mind you, my male staff's opinion of what is attractive is a little odd. I've noticed that the female humans he likes all have flouncy hair and only two mammary glands, which stick out in front of them instead of dragging along the floor where they belong. They have clickety heels and virtually no fur on their butts. Still whatever turns you on I suppose.

There is a slight problem with this stomach sucking habit in that my male staff's trousers tend to fall down, nestling in an untidy heap around his ankles, frightening any nearby children and dogs and often causing the focus of his attention to call the police so that they too can come and admire his Thomas the Tank Engine underpants and his chubby white legs. Anyway, at times such as these he gets it into his primitive brain that he should go on a diet. He's tried several different types of diet. First there was the F-Plan. So called because it makes the dieter say things like. "Jeez! I'm F-ing hungry." and "Why can't I have a piece of F-ing cheesecake instead of this F-ing lettuce." Then he tried the Subway diet, but got sick of eating all his meals underground. Next came the Beverly Hills diet. One of his friends told him that it consisted of eating no food at all but snorting as much coke as you like. He gave this one up because he didn't like the feel of the fizzy bubbles up his nose. He tried Pepsi too, but that was no better.

So, what's he going to try this time? My female staff suggested that he eats a little less and does a bit more exercise. "Pah!" he exclaimed. "If that worked everyone would be doing it. No. I need something far more complicated and expensive." He did some research and came up with something called "The Mayo Clinic Diet." What initially attracted him was the word "mayo". He loves mayonaise and smears it on pretty much everything he eats - fish, salad, quiche, cherry pie - you name it. So you can imagine his disappointment when he found that the Mayo Clinic diet has nothing whatsoever to do with mayonaise. However, his disappointment was tempered by the fact that the diet allows the consumption of as much meat and fried food as you can eat. People have apparently been known to lose weight on this diet. Probably because they die quickly of a heart attack and start to decompose.

I'd like to see him try the Lassie diet. It's a very practical diet of my own invention which requires only the purchase of a savage dog. The dog is placed in the fridge as per the illustration below and is trained to bite the protruding belly of any porky human opening the fridge door for a snack.

This diet has the added benefit of discouraging my male staff's somewhat unhygienic habit of visiting the fridge in the nude.

BADGER'S FOOTNOTE
It would be better to put Billy in the fridge. He'd eat everything so there'd be nothing left for his male staff to get fat on. I wouldn't go in there myself of course. I hate getting butter on my feet.