Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Bullshitzer Prize

How many of you have been to a guinea pig show? Well I hadn't until this weekend and neither had Badger. We were bundled into the car along with my female staff's Mum. My female staff was in the front passenger seat because she gets motion sickness even when she's walking and my male staff was driving, which is always a bit disconcerting because he will keep looking over his shoulder to make sure we're okay. This wouldn't be so bad if he just had a quick glance, but no. Every kilometre or so he has to swivel right around and have a lengthy conversation with us. "You boys okay? Got enough to eat and drink? How's your water? Did you see the football last night? There's no way on earth that that was a penalty." That kind of thing. All while driving along the freeway at one hundred and ten kilometres an hour. Still, we always have some interesting off road adventures, and the occasional close encounter with surprised livestock as we bounce across roadside paddocks.

So, anyway my female staff set the GPS (Guinea Pig Seeker) to Short Street, Nambour. The guinea pig show was being held there at the CWA hall. (Cavy Watchers Association I suppose.) Driving into Nambour it is immediately obvious that the town is dying, or at least is in the Intensive Care Ward. Shops are boarded up and the residents are either the size of cricket sight screens or are skinny, buttock-less and chain-smoking. Both types tend to spend most of their time in or around McDonald's which appears to be the only thriving shop in town.

We parked the car opposite the CWA and strolled across the road, listening out for the "diddle-ing- ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding" of duelling banjos and distant cries of "Squeal piggy squeal." coming from the forest around the town. As it happens though the only squealing was coming from inside the CWA hall. Badger and I were carried through the door cradled in the arms of my staff, and goodness me what a racket! Several dozen wheeking guinea pigs were set upon rows of tables in small carrying cages. Each one was spotlessly clean and smartly groomed. My staff said that they weren't going to enter us in the show because we'd win all the prizes and it wouldn't be fair on the other animals. I could see now that they were right. This lot were a bunch of preened, puffed up pooftahs and I couldn't belief how my staff and female staff's mum ooh-ed and ahh-ed over them. Badger and I were the only real boars there. It does have to be said though, that there were so fine looking lady pigs. They were all too stuck up to talk to the likes of us though. The least my staff could have was to brush my fur before we left home, but no, I turned up at the show looking like a porcupine.

I had absolutely no idea that there were so many different breeds of guinea pig. As my staff carried us around the hall I became acquainted with all sorts of exotic sounding creatures. There were fat, beaver-like Texels and Peruvians with long flowing locks that looked not dissimilar to Cousin It from The Addams Family.

Above. A Peruvian guinea pig. Right. Cousin It.

There were other rare breeds too.
The Berlusconi Azuri  - an Italian breed. Rather slimy in appearance, but gregarious and a good breeder.

The British Hooligan - Not very attractive to look at. Intimidates other guinea pigs by tipping their food bowls over their heads. Tends to be become inebriated by eating fermented hay.

The Australian Okker - Similar to the British Hooligan but with a rather different, somewhat nasal vocalisation. "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie wheek wheek wheek!" It also has a penchant for fermented hay.
Then there's me. I'm a Serbian Assassin and Badger is a Cornish Pastie.

After an hour or so it was time for the guinea pigs to be judged. Each piggy was placed on what is called a "show board" which looks alarmingly like a dinner plate as it is offered up to the judge by the guinea pig's staff. It just needed a little bit of garnish around it and the image would have been complete.The judge or CMP (Cavy Molesting Pervert) then plucks them from the show board and fondles them all over, turning them on their backs and inspecting their tummies and most intimate bits. There's no way I would have submitted to such treatment. I would have wiggled, peed and pooped until the judge was forced to put me down.

So we all sat and watch the judging, there were many awards. Best in Breed, Best in Show, Piggy with the Most Painful bite, Fastest Pooper (Badger would have won that.). There was also a special prize for guinea pig bloggers - The Bullshitzer Prize. I would have won that but was banned from entering after I mounted the Best in Show winner.

I've never seen such pampered feet. Honestly, I thought mine were pretty stunning, but these show piggies' feet were something else. I thought the pink varnish on the nails of the Best in Show winner was perhaps just a little pretentious.

Look everyone. Badger's butt is so big it shows up on Google Earth.




  1. This was one of your best posts. I think it will remain a timeless classic.

  2. Omg that is so funny! I read this to the boys and they laughed so hard they pee all over themselves.

  3. MOL Billy, you´re non-competitive as you´re simply the best xxx´s