Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Bad Name

Humans are absolutely hopeless at giving things appropriate names. Take the part of Australia where I live for example. Some smart aleck called it the Sunshine Coast, whereas it should in fact be called "The Pissing Down With Rain Every Day Coast".  Admittedly that might not sound as inviting in a travel brochure, but I'm a great believer in truth in advertising. Then there's the Pacific Ocean, the roughest, most savage and treacherous expanse of water on the planet. It's even worse than the "Devils Enema" at our local Wet & Wild water park. A better name for it would be "The Don't Go Out There Unless You Want To Drown Or At The Very Least Throw Up A Lot Ocean ." Yes, I know it's a mouthful, but at least it's more accurate than "Pacific".

 Riding "The Devils Enema"

As you know, my male staff is a reverse people smuggler, although he likes to call himself a travel agent. One of his main duties is to recommend hotels for his victims clients. I have instructed him to beware of any hotels containing the word "Grand" or "Palace" in their name.  Avoid any hotels called "The Grand Palace" like the plague, which funnily enough is just one of many diseases you are likely to contract if you stay there. French hotel names can be particularly misleading because they tend to give their hotels names which accurately describe them, and yet they are cunningly disguised. For example. Hotel de Crepit and Hotel L'Ousie. Not forgetting Hotel des Gustin. The French have their own guide to fine dining too. It is called the Michelin Guide. However, there is a lesser known guide to restaurants that should be avoided. It is called the Dunlop guide and contains a list of bistros whose food has both the taste and texture of old tyres. Try not to confuse the two.  The Spanish are just as sneaky with their hotel names, Hotel Las Tresort for example and the Hotel Costa Narmannalegge are prime examples.

For heavens sake! Even guinea pigs are badly named. We don't come from Guinea and we're certainly not pigs. We ought to be called "highly intelligent super rodents", but that's not likely to happen while humans are in charge of naming things. Koala bears are not bears either, they are related to possums.
Catfish do not drink milk, neither do they catch mice or poo in a litter tray. Grey nurse sharks do not give people injections, neither do they come running if you shout for a bed pan. Come to think of it, neither do human nurses. Not until it's too late anyway.

Here are a few more examples of why it is a mistake for animals to allow humans to name thing. Especially towns or streets.

Is this man a Dildonian?

Perhaps not the best place to stand

Imagine moving here and having to tell your favourite maiden aunt.


The Dutch are just as bad.
At least it wasn't bloody Belgium

Why my male staff hates going to the beach.

I guess we'd all like to live here.

Why are feet called "feet"? Mine are only an inch. Billy forgot to mention "The War to End All Wars" which should really have been called "The War That Really Didn't Solve Anything."

No comments:

Post a Comment