Actually, and this is true. My favourite emergency call came from a small group of young British girls traveling overseas for the first time. Luckily for them it wasn't to my male staff but to their own travel agent in Britain. The young lady sounded very worried. "We're at the airport" she said, "and we've just been reading through our hotel brochure. It says No hairdressers at this resort. We are all apprentice hairdressers. Will they let us stay there?"
It's taking a bit of a chance putting my male staff in charge of fielding emergency calls and complaints. There is a strong chance that a petty complaint like one of the above will be met with the response "Oh I'm sorry, I think you've dialed the wrong number. You were obviously trying to contact someone who gives a shit."
Well now, it's been an exciting couple of weeks for you humans hasn't it? That nice Mr Chavez from Venezuela has popped his clogs, so the American government will have to find another rabid left wing state in their region to demonise. Canada maybe? What a funny sort of relationship the USA and Venezuela had. They both get up each others nose dreadfully, yet they'd both be stuffed without the other. The USA needs Venezuela's oil and Venezuela needs the US dollars that they get for that oil, and yet they bicker like an old married couple.
Pope Benny has resigned, but we are yet to discover whether or not his resignation was due to fatigue and old age or whether he was guilty in the past of helping to shuffle weaselly paedophile priests around to make sure they never got caught. They say that the President of the United States is the most powerful man in the world, but that's a huge pile of bush chocolate. It is of course the Pope. Does Mr O'Barmer condemn millions of people to a horrible, slow death from AIDS related diseases just because he doesn't want men to wear a bit of rubber on their willy? No, I don't think he does. Would anyone listen to Mr O'Barmer if he told them it's mortal sin to have an abortion? Far better to have the baby and ruin three people's lives - the unwanted child and the parents'.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I've chewed quite a few pages of the Bible myself and I've never seen anything in it that specifically forbids contraception.
And Jesus reluctantly finished texting and placed his cell phone Upon a rock, and lo, the rock didst turn to Gold. And there was Much Tweeting on their smartphones amongst the multitude and Much Gnashing of teeth and many sayeth buggereth me! This bloke Is Surely even better than David Beckham
Then Jesus sayeth to the multitude. Now listeneth you lot. I don't Want anyone puttingeth bits of rubber over their willys, and any Chick who has the nerve to take little tablets of chemicals that stops Them gettingeth in the Pudding Club will suffer hell and damnation For eternity whereupon Satan will compel them to sitteth through Endless Episodes of Big Brother.
Anyway, a planet's worth of Cardinals are gathering at the Vatican to vote for another elderly man with no real life experience to rule the lives of well over a billion Catholics. I'm sorry but human religion is not an easy concept to grasp for for a guinea pig. I can't help feeling that if Jesus was alive today he'd struggle with it too. After all, if the gospels are to be believed he was a man who gave up everything, including his life for the good of humanity and yet these Cardinals who claim to represent him live in lavish palaces and are almost to a man in the business of disenfranchising fifty percent of the world's population - women, especially poor women. Do you find that odd or is it just a guinea pig thing?
Once again I'm rather stumped as to how to link Billy's rather wide ranging theme with my uniquely gorgeous feet. Suffice to say that anyone with feet like mine is a far more suitable candidate for adoration than any octogenarian human in a silly hat and a bullet proof golf buggy.