Monday, June 4, 2012


I'm back to two full time staff again now, and already the level of service has dropped off. Breakfast is served later, dinner is always delayed. Sometimes we don't get fed until after Paolo the budgie. It really is becoming quite unacceptable. What can one do though? With this so called "mining boom" that we have in Australia at the moment it's very hard to get staff of any sort, let alone sane ones. You see the trouble is that the mining companies are willing to pay ridiculous amounts of money to anyone who is willing to go and work for them, from project managers to tea boys. This means that small operators like myself with only two staff, (one male and one female) either have to go without staff altogether or have to try to match the wages offered by the mining companies. So far the two staff that I have have shown no interest in going to the mines to shovel dirt, why would they, when they can can stay here and shovel bush chocolate? That's one perk the mining companies can't offer. Still, I've decided reluctantly that I'll have to start treating them with a little more respect from now on as a precaution. That means no more peeing on their laps at cuddle time and no more (accidental) biting when I pull there clothes as a signal that cuddle time is over and floor exploring time is about to begin. I'm not sure how long this policy will last, we guinea pigs are not known for the quality of our memories.

Another disadvantage of my temporary staff leaving is that my female staff now thinks that it is acceptable for her to resume her piano practise. She asks my male staff if he minds if she practises "Will it disturb you?" As if he could get any my disturbed than he already is. However, she never thinks it necessary to ask us. Consequently Badger and I have to sit in our houses with our paws over our ears for an hour while she mangles various tunes on her ancient pianola. It's not only the tunes she mangles, but the words to songs as well as she sings along and hits a bum note on the keyboard. Her version of Imagine is a prime example.

Imagine there's no BOLLOCKS!
It's easy if you FUCK!
No SHIT! below us
Above us only GODDAMMIT!

Imagine all the BOLLOCKS!
Living for......AH! SOD THIS! 

Now, I don't know what half of these interjected words mean, but I'm pretty sure that they weren't part of John Lennon's original lyrics. Luckily at this point she usually slams down the the lid and storms off to do some sewing which will often cause more words that I don't understand to be ejaculated. Male staff tends to keep his head down at such moments. He's finally learned to not to say "That was a lovely rendition of  "Old Man River" only to be told in a bitter voice that..........."Actually it was the theme to Doctor Frigging Zhivago." Once again I have to say that the word "Frigging" was unlikely to have been in Pasternak's original title, but then my female staff is human so I'm sure she knows better than I do.

Today is an exciting day for this household. The new furniture that my staff ordered two months ago is due to arrive sometime between one thirty and two this afternoon. There will be two reclining chairs and a two seater leather couch. My male staff has already entertained Badger and I by moving the grotty old cane suite out of the way with more sweating, heaving and grunting than a Polish porn movie. The best bit was when he dropped the coffee table on his foot and then while hopping around cursing clutched onto the curtains for support. Naturally the curtains just aren't made to take this sort of weight and they collapsed, knocking over my female staff's favourite African violet, the only plant she hasn't managed to kill in the time I've known her.   "Oh fuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaar out!" He cried, remembering just in time that Badger and I were listening in. Scrabbling around on the floor he managed to scoop up most of the bits of African violet, and crammed them back into the pot. It didn't look too bad, and some of the bits were even the right way up. In fact to a guinea pig like myself it looked quite appetising

When my female staff arrived home from work her reptilian eyes scanned the room and soon alighted upon a pile of potting mix on the floor which my male staff had forgotten to clean up. Then ever so slowly she raised her gaze to her African violet, or what was left of it. "What happened?" she enquired sharply. My male staff looked a Badger and I, and we looked back at him. For a moment I thought he was going to blame us, but he thought better of it.
 "We had a bit of an accident." I thought to myself -what does he mean "we"? He obviously thought that spreading the blame would incur slightly less wrath. My female staff strode into the kitchen and returned with a pair of scissors.
 "This doesn't look good." I whispered to Badger." Badger just gulped and sat firmly on his testostricles. My male staff tried to do the same as my female staff strode towards him wielding the scissors. I closed my eyes, waiting to hear an agonised yelp. A minute passed and there was only snipping sounds, no screams.
So I opened my eyes. My female staff was cutting the dead and mangled bits from the plant. My male staff, Badger and I all breathed an huge sigh of relief, and I think I even heard one from the direction of Paolo the budgie's cage.

For a moment I thought I was going to get more than my toenails clipped.


  1. Hi Billy! Great blog as usual. Love reading about your adventures. Your staff are hilarious! I have to say my dad also has the habit of using "we" when he is in trouble with mum! What is that about?!? x

  2. Me has decided that me will haves to start readings your bwog! Momma always is laughings so hard when she reads it, me can only assume that there are lots of funny fings happening!! There has to be lots of biting of hoomans, poopings on stuff and destruction of hooman property! What else could be that funny? So...I read it!! Me was so surprised to read that hoomans all have the exact same words they use when they are inept at things! Our staff is remarkably similar!! The "we" thing has always confused me. But what I don't understand is why the "we" word isn't used when one of us anipals does something bad on our own!! Where is this "we" then? least Badger has remained consistent! Me will pwobabwy go back to letting momma read everyfing and then me will read Badgers footnote!! THAT me can relate to!!!

  3. Another great entry Bully! Hilarious :) so would love to visit and observe.

  4. Billy, whee have decided that we prefer your female staff's rendition of songs. She could give Lennon a run for his money.