Friday, June 15, 2012

Crab Juggling

My female staff's frantic sister arrives today from Sydney. Male staff says she's like a "blue arsed fly". I'm not sure what he means by that because as far as I know he's never seen her arse and therefore he shouldn't have a clue what colour it is. Maybe he's taking an educated guess because it can get quite chilly in Sydney at this time of year. If that is the case then it's her own fault for exposing it in the first place. Sydney has enough congestion as it is without my female staff's frantic sister's causing more traffic chaos. She always seems to be doing something, rushing hither and thither. Whenever my female staff phones her and asks how she's doing, she always says "I'm frantic." My male staff says she's as busy as a one armed juggler with crabs. I don't think he means that she juggles crabs, though with frantic sister you never know. She's always doing some course or undertaking a new hobby. Maybe she's enrolled in a crab juggling course or something. I'll let you know when I find out. She'll be staying with my female staff's mum, so if she has brought her juggling crabs with her I expect she'll have to keep them in her bath.

Frantic sister's partner is called Toe-Knee. My female staff says he's an architect, but he never does any work. He spends most of his time drawing skeletal pictures of houses and trying to avoid the jobs handed out by frantic sister. The thing is the houses he draws never have anything nice in them like clouds or grass, and there's never a dog or a cat in the front garden. Not even a tree, and he he never colours anything in. It's all black and white. Maybe he's not very good at colouring. You'd think with a name like Toe-Knee he'd have been an orthopaedic surgeon rather than an architect, but then frantic sister is a nurse so that would give him fewer opportunities to escape her job delegation if they worked in the same operating theatre.

Dr Toe-Knee: (Up to his elbows in someone's hip joint.)   "Clamp please nurse."

Frantic Sister:   "Not until you've washed up that scalpel, and just look at the state of that gown. You've got blood all over it. Well don't expect me to wash it for you. I did the last one but I'm not doing it again. Don't forget to mow the lawn when you get home either."

It just wouldn't work would it? Anyway, Toe-Knee hasn't flown up with frantic sister this time, which is a shame because he gives a good foot massage and back rub. No doubt he'll be relaxing at home, drawing houses while he waits for someone to ask him to do some architecting and ignoring the housework with impunity, unless of course frantic sister has left him a list of jobs to be completed before she returns. In which case the bush chocolate will hit the revolving cooling system when she gets home and find that he's spent the whole weekend drawing.

My male staff's mum once told me that he used to love drawing when he was little. (That's hard to imagine. Not that he loved drawing, but that he was ever little.) In any case, one Christmas when he was about six years old his Sunday school teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. An hour later she inspected my male staff's finished masterpiece. "Ooooh!" she said, pointing to a bright blob in the sky above the stable which contained several matchstick figures and a giraffe. "Is that the guiding star that the three wise men followed?"
 "Naaah.." Said my male staff as if that was a ridiculous suggestion. "It's a nellycopta."
 "I see." Replied the teacher. So that line coming out of it isn't a ray of light then?"
 "'Course not." My male staff was clearly becoming impatient at the stupidity of the teacher. "It's baby Jesus on a rope. The ellycopta brung him."
Don't laugh. It's more feasible than a virgin birth don't you think?

I wonder if Dr Toe-Knee can make my white foot black like the other three. It feels rather left out and the others tend to bully it.


  1. Billy you could always offer to color in Toe-Knee's drawings. With a bit of bush chocolate and elbow grease (paw grease?) you could turn his lifeless sketches into sepia toned masterpieces.

    1. What a great idea Cali Cavies. Badger and I often have different shades of bush chocolate too. It would make a huge differennce to his drab work. Thanks.

  2. Once again....thoroughly entertaining!!! Although me is wowwied 'bout fwantic sissy!! Why is she so fwantic? Maybe toe knee can't move fast enough for her 'cause he doesn't haves a leg!? I don't nose! Maybe she gets tired of dwivings for him? But it's no wonder, for me, why he twies to ignore the "honey dew" list. Wifout a leg, it would take a long time to gets it done!!
    Badger, as usual, your wisdom that's outlined in your footnote, is 'mazing!! Me finks that if your family ('specially frantic sissy) would listen more closely to what you says, they would get on much better!! Good luck wif your white foot!

    1. Thanks for the comment Scotty. Wheek! "Honey Dew List"
      Honey dew this, honey dew that? Brilliant!!

  3. I wish I knew Frantic Sister was visiting you. I would have sneaked into her bag so I could visit too.
    P.S I don't think much of Toe-Knee's drawings. Maybe someone should get him some textas and crayons for Christmas and show him how to draw fluffy clouds, piggies and puppies. xxx