Tuesday, March 27, 2012


You might think that being a guinea pig is boring. Let me tell you now, that nothing could be further from the truth. At least as far as living here is concerned. There's the telly, the budgies and my staff to keep me entertained. Then of course there's also my little mate Badger with his cute little round, black butt and his attempts to become the first guinea pig to fly. He reckons if bats can do it, so can he. "What's a bat," he says, "if not just a guinea pig with wings?" So, therein lies his problem. Sadly he doesn't have the imagination to see in his mind's eye how badly a bat would fly without wings. Very badly indeed; in fact a bat without wings flies about as well as a fat guinea pig. So you see life is never dull.

Any spare time I have I spend planning a political agenda for when the CIA Party (Cavies In Australia.) finally wins a seat in parliament. To this end I always listen to Prime Minister's Question Time on the radio. It's fun, you should try it sometime. The Speaker sounds like a school teacher trying to keep an unruly class of brats in order. I've picked up some useful tips from all three of the major parties and have formulated a manifesto accordingly. To help you I have listed the choice of CIA policies below and stated which Australian political party they have come from. (In case you can't guess.) To further help my overseas readers here is where the parties stand in the political spectrum.

The Liberal National Party (LNP) Slightly to the right of Margaret Thatcher. (Out of range of her handbag.)
The Australian Labor Party (ALP)  Slightly to the left of Margaret Thatcher. (Out of range of her handbag.)
The Australian Greens  Slightly to the left of Mary Poppins. (Out of sight of Margaret Thatcher. (It's Safer that way)

The Economy.
(From the LNP) Don't spend any money at all on roads. public transport, ports and other infrastructure. This means that everything falls to bits but you'll have a massive surplus to spend on pork-barrelling in marginal seats when the time comes for seeking re-election.

(From the ALP) 
Spend everything and then borrow huge amounts of extra funds to pay for research into whether or not pobblebonk frogs (Yes, it's a real frog. Google it.) have an innate gluten allergy.

(From the Greens.) 
Who needs an economy when you've got birdies and trees and things. 

Industrial Relations.
(From the LNP)     
Never, ever admit that unions have an important place in society. In fact, ban all unions. Actually, lets get the kids back up the chimneys where they belong. While we're at it we'll allow our biggest donors to buy all the most influential newspapers and radio stations so that they can tell everyone how evil unions are. Wait! We've already done that.

(From the ALP)
Put the workers in charge of everything. Grant everyone a 20% pay increase and ten weeks annual leave.
Except for our personal domestic staff. They will have to suffer the same Dickensian working conditions that the LNP will introduce.

(From the Greens) 
There'll be no need for bosses or unions because we'll have birdies and trees and things.

(From the LNP)
Our air force (or at least the two jets) will be relocated to Cape York in case Papua New Guinea decides to invade by means of dugout canoes and poison tipped arrows. Our other plane. (The funny little one with the propeller.) will be used to provide MPs' families with scenic flights over Sydney Harbour. The two ships of the Royal Australian Navy will be duct taped together to form an aircraft carrier in case we find an old F111 in a garage sale. Our entire army contingent in Afghanistan will be withdrawn and redeployed in a circle around parliament house in Canberra in case any of those dastardly little dudes from Papua New Guinea get through.

(From the ALP)
Exactly the same as the LNP except we'll pretend it was our idea, unless it all goes pear shaped.

(From the Greens)
As long as we have birdies and trees and things we don't need an army, a navy or an air force.

The Environment
(From the LNP)
It will be compulsory for every household to have an open cut uranium mine in their back yard (or balcony if they live in an apartment). Non-compliance will be punishable with a penalty of being sat on for a full hour by Clive Palmer. Alan Jones will be appointed as the government's chief advisor on climate change. The CSIRO will be outlawed, as will any scientist who gives any credence whatsoever to the possibility that the activities of mankind might be damaging our environment.

(From the ALP) 
The rainforests will be chopped down to make a shelter for the Great Barrier Reef in order to protect it from bleaching. This will provide work for thousands of gay indigenous lumberjacks. Any timber left over will be used to build a bridge from Melbourne to Tasmania. Private uranium mines will be encouraged as long as the finished product is not used within Australia, but sold to responsible nations like North Korea and Iran.

(From the Greens)
Digging holes in the ground will be outlawed unless you are a bilby. Even then you'll have to complete a complex hole digging application form in triplicate to be lodged (in person only) at DODO (Department Of Digging Office.) conveniently located at Mawson's Hut in Antarctica.

(From the LNP)
Refugees will be welcome under the LNP as long as they fulfill certain criterea.
1. They must be white.
2. They must have bucket loads of money.
3. They must be in perfect health.
4. They must be Christian. Wealthy Jews will be admitted provided they can provide proof of circumcision.   (Detached foreskins must be retained for verification purposes.)

(From the ALP)
Ah sod it! Just come on in. Bring a bottle though.

(From the Greens)
Right! Everybody out! Only birdies and trees and things allowed.

So, there we have it. The Cavies In Australia Party get to pick which of the above policies to implement. As you can see, it won't be easy.

Sometimes I stand on my foreskin with my back feet. That's why I keep my toenails trimmed.


  1. Good Grief. Guinea Pigs Rule OK. I've always suspected 'pigs run on triple-A batteries, because there's no room the their pointy little heads for brain, but having read this post I think I might have been wrong. Now, go and buy my book Mini Pigs which Tells All. That's if you can find a copy, it being OOP.

  2. Wow!! Now this is an informative bwog!!! Me always is learnings fwom your bwog! You is vewy smart, Billy!! But...me haves to talks about Badger, of course! Wif evfurry bwog you & me does, his footnotes is more & more better!! And this one gotted me finkings! He can steps on his foreskin!! OMB! He must eifur haves big feets OR....a big, well....you nose what me is twyin to puts delicatwy! He must be vewy pwoud!! Me sure would be! Heehee! Anyways, his footnote, again, was informative & showed the "extent" of his knowledge! Me finks he haves an "enormous" amount of bwains in his head!!
    We wuv you, Billy (and Badger)!! Keeps up the good works!
    Love, Scotty, Oreo & Laddie

  3. Amazing that bit about the unions and child labor sounds much like the GOP in the US. I wonder who had the idea first?

    P.S. Maggie loves your blog