I've been threatened with a haircut today. It's been hot and I've been lolling about on a freezer block which my staff wrap in an old tea towel and place in my cage. It works a treat. There's nothing like a freeze block on the old tummy to cool a piggy down. However, just after breakfast this morning my female staff strode up and said in a cheerful voice, as if it was something I was going to enjoy, "We'll give you a haircut tonight Billy, that'll help keep you cool."
"Oh great." I thought. The Butcher of Black Mountain strikes again. Last time she gave me a "little trim" I looked like a Lady Gaga outfit for a month until it grew out again. I wish I had hair like Badger. He has a permanent number two buzz cut. He still gets a bit hot sometimes because he's black, but there's not much my staff can do about that. Except I wouldn't put it past them to paint him white. He'd look like a miniature polar bear.
Now, like most guinea pigs I've been taking great interest in the American Republican Party primary elections. The bitter infighting between candidates is rather surprising, and it's not only the Republicans that do it. The Democrats are just as bad. I half expected Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama to settle their differences during their primary elections with naked mud wrestling. I'd give up half my parsley ration to see that. Wouldn't you think that it's not such a good idea to tell the public what arseholes your rival candidates are, (And bear in mind that they are from the same political party.) and then endorse them later. Why should the public vote for someone you've effectively called a dick head for the last six months?
You would think this attitude would be as welcome as a vuvuzela in a Trappist monastery, but the electoral system encourages it. John Howard may have been a lying rodent, but he was absolutely right when he said "Dis-unity is death." At least he was right as far as politics in Britain and Australia goes, where the political parties squabble in private before coming up with a candidate that they can put before the electorate. Then they can concentrate on smearing the other party's candidate instead of their own.
Finally today I'd like to share with you a truly inspiring story. It's a story of how our senior citizens can influence the youth of today with tales of old fashioned wisdom. My staff and I were having lunch at a local cafe recently when I overheard the following conversation at a nearby table. A thin, world worn old man was talking to his teenage grandson while sipping coffee through toothless gums.
"You know." He said. "When I was your age, mum would give me a dollar and I'd go down to the shop and come home with a loaf of bread, two pints of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of sausages and a bar of chocolate for myself and still have some change to give mum." He wiped some coffee foam from his trembling lips. "You just can't do that these days. Too many fuckin' security cameras."