Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Perforated Life

My male staff is always banging one about how stupid certain Chinese men are to believe that powdered rhino horn will make their willy stand to attention. He says that if they chewed their own fingernails it would have the same effect because it is essentially the same stuff. Something he calls keratin. He also says that those same stupid Chinese men believe that powdered tiger penis will also make their willy rear it's ugly head. My female staff wants to know why they can't put an additive into someones supply of powdered rhino horn or tiger penis that makes willies shrivel up and fall off. Word would soon get around, and that would be the end of that. It's not only the Chinese either. Rich Yemenis will pay a mint for a rhino horn which they turn into ornate dagger scabbards and give to their spoilt, rich, bratty sons upon reaching a certain age. What a bunch of bastards; bringing an entire species of animal to the brink of extinction just because they can't get it up, or because little Osama has just turned thirteen.

Humans are very naive animals who will believe almost anything they're told. I mean really! Who the hell started the rumour that rhino horn would give you a stiffy? Is it the phallic shape of it that convinces people?
The ancient Incas had a good one too. They believed that if they rubbed a live black guinea pig all over their naked bodies it would cure rheumatism and a number of other ailments. Who thought of that one I wonder? Probably some smart arse at a stag party. Why a black guinea pig anyway? Badger is worried that a swarthy South American type could knock on our door at any moment and make an offer to my staff that they can't refuse.

In any case, my male staff himself has his eye on Badger for his curative powers. One of a raft of blood tests he had while he was in hospital recently revealed that he has something called pernicious anemia. It is a well named disease because it is indeed pernicious. Apparently it is usually fatal in less than three years if left untreated. It's caused by the body's inability to absorb vitamin B12 and is incurable. However, a life long course of excruciating intramuscular injections mean that the sufferer can live a normal if somewhat perforated  life. Alexander Graham Bell had it. He felt so ill that he invented the telephone so that he could call an ambulance. Annie Oakley had it too apparently. My male staff is blaming his lack of vitamin B12 on the fact that he's had to cut down on cheesecake because his cholesterol is up at 8.3. To me, that sounds like a pretty good score out of ten, but his doctor wasn't so impressed.

Neither Badger nor I can understand how someone so fit (He runs almost every day.) can be so unhealthy. He's never even tried a cigarette in his life, though to be fair he did spend his first sixteen years inhaling his mum and dad's secondary smoke, so there was no need for him to have his own. He doesn't even drink that much, despite being an Australian citizen and a West Ham United Football Club fan. So, where does all this ill health come from? I can only think that it must be the tablespoon of powdered rhino horn he stirs into his morning coffee every day.


  1. Just shows that life deals us some very unfair deals.
    I started with rheumatoid arthritis(albeit mild) aged 19, and since I was born with double jointed, well, joints, this means I have to be very careful about exercise, as I can strain things too easily. This in turn means it's harder to keep my weight stable which puts more strain on joints.
    Some folks get through life without a day of illness; come the revolution, they'll be firast against the wall.
    My grandmother had the anaemia thing; she got used to the injections in the end.
    Viv (aka, guineapig66)

  2. Humans can be patently ridiculous. Our piggy slaves never understood it either, and hate that too.

    It seems that your poor male staff has been going through quite a lot lately. Perhaps you should recommend that he takes up the cavy diet (copious amounts of hay, vegetables, piggy beans, occasional fruit).