Thursday, June 9, 2011

Pig on a Plane

Occasionally it's not hard to dislike my male staff. He assured me that it would be about forty degrees when we landed in Dubai so I grew my winter coat with all due haste. You'd have absolutely loved me. My fur was thick and lustrous and beautifully warm. It was indeed forty degrees when we landed in Dubai. Forty three actually, centrigrade that is. I really wish my staff would be more specific. My gorgeous thick winter coat immediately stood on end in the heat, so that I looked like a bloody porcupine - most undignified. Anyway, justice was seen to be done in the end because every time my male staff touched me he received a hefty jolt of about five thousand volts due to all the static. The yelping and swearing was almost worth the indignity.

So anyway, finally it was time to fly back to Australia. It's a fourteen hour flight from Dubai to a place called Sinnyorstraya, so my male staff said I wouldn't have to travel in his suitcase this time. He smuggled me onto the plane in the same way he used to smuggle me into the hospital to see his Mum - by shoving me down the front of his trousers. While he watched probably the most stupid film ever made - Snakes on a Plane - (I didn't know snakes growled.) I poked my head out of his fly and ate his limp airline salad for him. Then once I'd finished that I leapt out of his fly and helped the lady in the next seat eat hers. I don't think she was expecting a large hairy thing to burst from her neighbours fly and land in her food tray. In truth she seemed a little shocked. However, once she regained conciousness she was quite good about it really.

So then I decided to stretch my legs and have a look around. I mooched about on the floor, biting people's toes and tidying up any stray limp lettuce. In this way I passed the long flight quite happily and even found a few wires to chew, though I didn't tell my male staff this until after we'd landed safely.

Sinnyorstraya is a funny place. It's a bit like Singapore I suppose only colder and the humans (called Sinnysoydas for some reason) are much ruder. It appears to be a tradition in Sinnyorstraya to dress in black in winter and this lends the place a rather sinister air, especially at dusk when homeward bound pedestrians are flitting all over the place like shadowy bats.  Like Singaporeans they charge around with cell phones glued to one ear or texting furiously and not looking where they're going. However, unlike Singaporeans they are not so good at avoiding each other and there are frequent collisions which often results in a fight. My male staff says that this is because they are either drunk or in such a hurry to go somewhere to get drunk that the least delay in getting there provokes violence.

In any case it's good to be home. Badger is fatter, the budgies are noisier and my female staff is still a fruitcake. I wonder where I'll go next.

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