Waltzing Matilda

My regular readers will know that I have just completed an arduous road trip around outback and country Queensland with my male staff, his dad and his mad sister. All in all it was a successful trip, in that we weren't squished under the giant wheels of an oncoming road train, despite mad sister's penchant for playing chicken with them on single track roads at a closing speed of two hundred and twenty kilometres per hour.

                                          Winton's World Heritage Listed "Dog on the Ceiling".

Neither did we die horrible lonely deaths from thirst and starvation in some God forsaken desert, surrounded by howling dingoes and tow truck drivers despite my male staff's eagerness to take "short cuts" which cost him a small fortune in extra fuel. We only had one puncture when mad sister ran over the skeleton of the last person to drive this route and a sharp piece of bone pierced the tyre. We were only stopped for speeding once and mad sister was so struck by the nice young policeman that she sped again soon after in the hope that the same policeman would stop her. No such luck, even the ugly coppers ignored her after that.

                                     A welcoming sign to visitors from the friendly folk of Childers

Anyway, we're home safe and sound. We visited Childers (Where a sign said "Bollocks"), Bundaberg (Nice toilets.), Agnes Water (Nice beach.), Miriam Vale (Still in shock after mad sister's accident with her knickers.), Rockhampton (Nice bulls testostricles.), Mackay (Deliverance - need I say more?), Townsville (Where we recovered from our visit to Mackay.), Cardwell (Where the locals are friendly but have matchstick legs.), Cairns (Where male staff's dad lost his sunglasses for the fifth and last time.), Port Douglas (Nice crocodiles), Undarra (Nice big rabbit holes.), Winton (Where a dog was stuck to the ceiling.), Longreach (Lots of Kangaroos.), Barcaldine (The Village of the Damned.), Emerald (Horrid town with a nice name.) and Biloela (Where my male staff and his mad sister got smashed together for the last time.)

                        Mad sister makes friends with one of Cardwell's famous matchstick men.

I couldn't help but notice the effect that the mining boom is having on Australia. Big trucks everywhere, mineheads dotting the landscape, motels full of mine workers and therefore able to charge a hundred and sixty bucks for an eighty dollar room that hasn't been properly cleaned for a month. Anyway, everybody knows that "Waltzing Matilda" is Australia's unofficial national anthem, so I've re-written the lyrics to bring it up to date for this current era. First here's a glossary for those of you who may not be familiar with the Aussie idiom.

Twiggy, Clive and Gina. - Twiggy Forrest, Clive Palmer and Gina Rinehart, Australia's three mining billionaires.

Billabong - Overpriced surfware. Also a bush waterhole. 

Coolibah tree - A kind of eucalypt, often inhabited by drop bears.

Quad bike - A form of transport used by farmers, so called because accidents on them often leave the victim a quadriplegic.

Carbon Tax - A tax designed to redistribute money from the wealthy mining companies to impoverished oil companies.

Peasants - My staff.

Government - An organisation based in Canberra whose sole purpose is to make life difficult for the peasants.

Tony Abbott - The leader of Australia's opposition Liberal Party, and the only reason that they are not in power.

Dole - A sum of money paid to people who do nothing all day. (See Government.)

Cane Toad - A fat, slimy, poisonous creature. (See Clive Palmer.)



MINING AUSTRALIA
(To be sung raucously as if drunk to the tune of Walzing Matilda.)

Twiggy, Clive and Gina mined by a billabong

Once they'd chopped down all the coolibah trees,

And they laughed as they shoved their dollars in their bank accounts,

Who'll come a-mining Australia with me?

Mining Australia, Mining Australia.

Who'll come a mining Australia with me?

And they laughed as they shoved their dollars in their bank accounts,

Who'll come a-mining Australia with me.

Into the billabong the mine leached lead and mercury,
Killing off the frogs and the fish all grew two heads.
"Who needs frogs and fish?" said Clive and opened up his wallet wide.
We'll just import a load more cane toads instead.

Mining Australia, Mining Australia.

Who'll come a mining Australia with me?
"Who needs frogs and fish?" said Clive and opened up his wallet wide.
We'll just import a load more cane toads instead.  

Up came a farmer mounted on his new quad bike.

"Who'll feed Australia now it's one big mine?"

Twiggy, Clive and Gina just laughed at the farmer man,

"Who gives a damn now, 'cos we're doing fine."

Mining Australia, Mining Australia.

Who'll come a mining Australia with me?

Twiggy, Clive and Gina just laughed at the farmer man.

"Who gives a damn now, 'cos we're doing fine."

Twiggy, Clive and Gina said "We'll pay the carbon tax,

Then charge the peasants a fortune for power.

The government will compensate, if Tony Abbott don't frustrate,

They'll raise the minimum wage by ten cents an hour."

Mining Australia, Mining Australia.

Who'll come a-mining Australia with me?

The government will compensate, if Tony Abbott don't frustrate,

They'll raise the minimum wage by ten cents an hour."

Now everyone Down Under hopes the Chinese don't go broke,

'Cos then who'd buy all our iron ore and coal?

 At least the peasants won't whinge about the measly wage they're paid.

No one would have a job and they'd all be on the dole.

Mining Australia, Mining Australia.

Who'll come a-mining Australia with me?

 At least the peasants won't whinge about the measly wage they're paid.

No one would have a job and they'd all be on the dole.

BADGER'S FOOTNOTE

Three of my feet look as though they've been down a coal mine. Here's the one that doesn't.