Flabby Offspring

As you know, Badger and I went to the vet last week for the first of a series of anti-mite needles. We have to have three altogether. Our next one is on Wednesday. I'm not sure how these needles help, unless Dr Friggin' Doolittle is stabbing the mites with them. If that's the case we must only have three mites each, and why not stab all three mites on the same day and get it over with. It would save us from having to keep coming back. I'll never understand humans' attitude to medicine. Did you know, for example, that the ancient Incas believed that rubbing your naked body all over with a live black guinea pig could ward of certain diseases, including rheumatism? Who the hell first thought of that one? Can you imagine. "Oooooo, my joints are a bit achy this this morning dear. Pass me the guinea pig will you............... No, the black one." Modern humans are no less strange. Fancy thinking that rhino horn can make your willy go stiff! It's just keratin for crying out loud, just chew your fingernails for heavens sake - it's exactly the same stuff. It still won't give you a stiff willy but it'll save you a fortune.

Then there's homeopathy. It's amazing how many humans believe that a drop of whatever it is they're allergic to diluted in a hundred and fifty gallons of water is going to cure them of their allergy. The power of auto-suggestion is mighty indeed. Or "mitey" in my staff's case. They started scratching like crazy as soon as we were diagnosed as having mites. So far neither of them are losing any hair though. Humans can be very naive. Quite a few still think that George Dubya ordered the destruction of the twin towers. As if his administration would have been competent enough to organised such a complex operation without being found out. Until he was eight years old my male staff thought "shagging" was something that only those rude Americans did and that it involved two naked people rubbing their butts together. At that age he had no idea where babies came from apart from vague images of storks and gooseberry bushes implanted in his feeble brain by his mother. Remember he was eight years old. Most guinea pigs have karked it by that age, and have produced several dozen offspring. Further evidence, if any were needed, of the superiority of the almighty (all-mitey) cavy.

Talking of being superior. We animals never blame anyone else for our actions. Neither do we blame circumstances or try to make excuses for our behaviour. You don't see a dog pointing at his owner when he's just taken a dump on someones precious lawn do you? "It wasn't me guv. It was the two legged bastard at the other end of this lead. And anyway, even if it was me, it would be because he made me do it. He led me to your lawn, so it must be his fault" It's amazing what gets blamed on others by humans. Here in Queensland, it is apparently the state government's fault that most school kids now weigh about the same as a medium sized car and cannot fit two side by side down the average supermarket shopping aisle. Why? Because they didn't ban junk food commercials. Apparently it's no longer legal for parents to say no when their kids ask for a supersized jumbo triple slop McCrap burger with extra lard and a bucket of fries. Any parent answering their brat's request in the negative is likely to find themselves on a charge of child abuse, and possibly being sued by their flabby offspring for neglect.

Then there was the case of the dopey man who got sloshed in a pub one night, then staggered into the road to be hit by a passing car. He sued the pub - successfully - for selling him alcohol. For Christ's sake! It's a pub. Hardly a day goes by when my male staff doesn't go to a pub, gets hammered and run over by some sort of vehicle. But does he complain? Well yes actually, but only about his hangover the next morning. He doesn't sue the pub for giving him the alcohol he asked for. Wouldn't it be nice if the human race were to re-learn the art of taking responsibility for their own actions. Too much to ask? Probably.