Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Year Of The Dentist

Happy New Year everyone and welcome to 2015.  Let's start the New Year with the traditional Scottish guinea pig New Year anthem.  Everyone all join hands or paws or whatever.  Altogether now..........

Should old cucumbers be forgot
And left inside the fridge
You'll find them once again my friends
Beyond the Rainbow Bridge.

Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, my dear
Beyond the Rainbow Bridge,
You'll find the cucumber my dear
Beyond the Rainbow Bridge. 
Okay that's enough of that now. Scotland is a dangerous place to be a guinea pig. It's far too easy to be mistaken for a haggis and have a ceremonial sword stuck up one's bottom passage by some hairy  bloke in a skirt.
A haggis

Depending on who you ask or which website you consult 2015 is the year of either the Sheep, the Ram or the Goat.  Who cares anyway, for my male staff it will be the Year of the Dentist.
He hasn't been to one for a while so he thinks it might be time to bite the bullet - so to speak.  Dentists have never been a favourite of his, or of anyone else I guess, but his last experience a couple of years ago put him right off.  His usual dentist wasn't available, she was off sick, or found out that my male staff was on her appointment list that day, lumbering my male staff with her replacement - an Irish lady who was built like George Foreman except George was better looking, he would have made a better dentist too.  By the time she'd finished with him his mouth felt like it had been pulled in four different directions by a team of carthorses, and that was just a check up.

I think his aversion to dentists began when he was eight years old - not long after King Henry V came to the English throne.  The family were living in Chippenham in England at the time and during school holidays he and his mother used to go for walks in John Coles Park where my male staff would do things that eight year olds like to do - feed the ducks, play on the swings, sell crack to the local schoolgirls - that kind of thing.  Anyway on this particular occasion my male staff's Mum suggested they go for a walk and (naive fool that he is) he accepted.  After the ducks had been fed up to the eyeballs my male staff's Mum said "Well, since we're here we might as well just pop around the corner and see if the dentist can give you a check up."  Yeah right! As if you can just drop into a dentist any old time without an appointment.  Still, at eight you don't really know that do you and despite my male staff's ardent protestations he was dragged to the dentist for the appointment his Mum had made days before without his knowledge.  Mothers can be so devious.

Two hours later he woke up in the dentist's chair minus two teeth which were handed back to him to leave under his pillow for the tooth fairy who left him a bright, shiny shilling.  Naturally he spent that shilling on sticky toffees so that the tooth fairy would soon have more work to do.

Then about ten years ago he had to have a couple of fillings and as you would know, most humans hate the dreaded drill with it's high pitched screech and the stench of burning enamel, not to mention the so called pain killing injection administered via a needle the size of a baseball bat.  Not many people know this, but the syringe is actually empty. The agony of the huge needle being roughly shoved into your gums is so intense that you barely feel the drill when it starts grinding into your nerves.  Dentists save a fortune in this manner.  It's how they can afford to become members of exclusive golf clubs.  Anyway, present at this particular appointment was a very attractive dental nurse, so to distract himself from the pain he knew he was going to have to endure he imagined himself as James Bond and the dentist as his hardened torturer, trying to extract state secrets while the nurse was a double agent whom Bond was trying to impress and maybe with any luck once the torturer had finished with him he and she would end up at some casino somewhere and then who knows what the night would bring. (Actually it would probably bring castration if my female staff knew what he was thinking.)

Bond lay back nonchalantly in the chair and gritted his teeth, determined not to spill any of his secrets.  M would be proud of him.  The masked torturer approached brandishing a vicious looking needle, his eyes were as cold and hard as his diamond tipped drill.  Bond glanced towards the torturer's beautiful blond assistant, her full breasts heaving under her blouse, she smiled and Bond smiled back.  "Do you expect me to talk?" He said.
 "No Mr Bond," replied the torturer with an air of finality.  "I expect you to pay my exorbitant fee when I've finished."
The blond grimaced as the masked assassin lowered the needle towards Bond's face.  Bond's nerve failed him then, his terror, a knotted ball in his stomach got the better of him despite his best efforts to control it.
 Thrurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp! Bond released a terrific explosion of bottom wind.  The masked assassin took a sharp backward step.  Bond looked to the woman who's face was a picture of disgust and loathing. 
 "Ooooops!" Said Bond, blushing hotly.  "Sorry about that, I'm a little nervous.'
The torturer backed away and opened a window.  His assistant had recovered her composure.
 "Don't worry about it." She smiled sweetly.  "It happens a lot with our older patients."

Don't get me wrong, my male staff still tries to look after his teeth the best he can.  At least twice a day he sticks this strange, buzzing, vibrating thing in his mouth and swishes is around for a couple of minutes until a sort of bluey-white foam appears around his lips.  Then he sticks these tiny little brushes between the gaps in his teeth and wiggles them about.  I'm sure it would be far simpler and cheaper for him to eat a mouthful of hay like us guinea pigs, but you know what humans are like, you can't tell them anything,


Wye duz Uncal Billy always compair me with sumthing I'm not?  A kuppel of wheeks ago he sed I looked like a nippo and now this wheek I parrently look like a naggis.  Shorely I can't look like a nippo and a naggis at the same time. Eyetha I look like a nippo or I look like a naggis, I can't look like both cuz a nippo duzzent look enything like a naggis.

Woteva. Wat I reely want to say today is like Happy Noo Yeer to all my frens and Tom and Alfie and Toby and even Uncal Billy and his staff.  My noo yeer rezolooshun is not to get bitta and twisted wen Uncal Billy is like rood abowt me, and I'm like gunna sujest to Uncal Billy that for his noo yeers rezolooshun he stops compairing me to things wot I'm not.



  1. Baci, I think you are adorable & wish you well in convincing Billy to change his ways. Xoxoxo

  2. Weet weet weet, waba waba, weet weet. waba waba waba

    1. Funny you should say that. It's exactly what I was thinking.

  3. Typist enjoys going to the dentist - I told you she was weird!!

  4. Whoa! That's too weird. I'd keep it quiet if I were you.

  5. I had NO IDEA our kind bears such close resemblance to Haggis, Billy. Fascinating! -Puppy the guinea pig, International Rodent Superstar