Why on earth did Mary and Joseph decide to have their baby at Christmas time? I mean, no wonder there was no room at the inn for them, it would have been fully booked for the holidays. I have little sympathy with people who travel at the last minute at peak times and then complain that they can't get the accommodation they want and that what they can get costs an arm and a leg. I guess this lack of sympathy comes from having to listen to the strident whinging of my male staff, who as a reverse people smuggler (or travel agent as he prefers to call himself) has to deal with people who try to do this all the time. A week before Christmas people will ask.
"Are there any cheap deals going for Christmas?" My male staff will sigh and barely resist saying.
"Not this Christmas you daft bugger, but if you book now for Christmas 2014 you might get something that's only 50% dearer than the off season." He doesn't say this of course because he needs the money to buy my vegetables and if he insulted every client who warranted a good insult he'd soon have no clients at all.
No wonder the three wise men had to travel by camel. All the flights to Bethlehem would have been fully booked. I bet they were cursing Mary and Joseph for not giving them more notice. Actually a drawing of the nativity that my male staff did for Sunday School when he was about five years old had the three wise men arriving by helicopter and what the vicar thought was the angel Gabriel turned out to be a Messerschmitt 109 intent on shooting down the helicopter, while what he thought were clouds were actually exploding flak shells fired by anti-aircraft gun posts that the vicar foolishly mistook for shepherds with crooks pointing at the sky. Anyway, why shouldn't there have been a helicopter at the birth of Christ? After all, it's no less likely than a virgin birth, though I doubt that as a five year old my male staff would have pointed that out to the vicar. Shame really because I'd love to have known the vicar's answer to that one.
Of course, we animals have our own Christmas traditions which humans are totally ignorant of. We all believe in Sandra Claws. Sandra is a three metre tall polar bear who on Christmas eve circumnavigates Earth in a huge barge filled with thousands of tons of Arctic ice pulled labouriously through the oceans by one hundred of humanity's worst animal abusers. Sandra visits all the world's suffering animals and grants them a wish. If the animal is inside a house she doesn't bother about going down the chimney (No polar bear wants sooty fur.) She just breaks the door down, hauls the animal abuser out of bed and dangles him in front of their abused animal before granting their wish. This is why many animal abusers either have no testostricles or walk with a strange, pained, limping gait caused by having a large, angry polar bear shove a bedside lamp up their bottom passage - often one without an environment friendly bulb.
So, there you have it. This is my third Christmas and so far I have not received a visit from Sandra Claws. I have received Christmas treats every year so far though, and I don't suppose this year will be any different. It will be the first Christmas I've spent without my pal Badger which is rather sad, but I do have Boris and Baci to keep me company. My female staff's mum has flown off to Sydney to spend time with frantic sister, so this year it'll just be us piggies and my staff. Little Baci is very excited. It's his first Christmas and he's had trouble deciding whether to be naughty or nice. Naughty is so much more fun, but nice might get him an extra slice of cucumber. It's a tough decision for a young cavy.
Bitte everyvun, you must all be havink ein glücklich, safe and peaceful Christmas. Do not be trinkink as much as Herr Billy's staff are likely to, and don't schnog anyvun you should nicht be schnogging in der broom cupboard at der office party. You should be doink zat beind der wasser cooler.
Billy here again. Now I'd like to leave you with a lovely Christmas tale written by my good friend Katy Page.
Billy's Christmas Party.
It was nearly Christmas and Billy was sitting in his cage. Somewhere in the house he could hear his staff getting ready for bed which meant only one thing; it was nearly time for the Christmas party. Soon the house was quiet and Billy wheeked softly to Paolo the budgie who unlatched his cage with his beak and flew down to let Billy out.
While Billy waddled off to the kitchen to get the snacks ready Paolo also freed Billy's friends Boris and Baci from their cage. Boris hurried over to the secret door to the outside which most guinea pigs have in the houses of the humans they live with. He opened the door and all their friends came in. Billy brought out the snack he's been working on (and nibbling at if the truth be known). There were fresh basil tarts, celery sticks, carrots cut into the shape of Christmas trees and lots of other vegetable based snacks, including Billy's speciality - Green Bean Surprise. The surprise being that Billy had eaten all the green beans.
Soon Billy was greeting his friends. They had come from as close as the garden like Patricia the possum and Peanut and Pecan the guinea fowls, to as far away as America and Europe. He'd just finished greeting his local pals when he spotted his international friends arriving. There was Lola, Blossom, Mable and Clara from England and Puppy, Reginald, Gabrielle and Dobbie-Jones from America.
Before long the party was in full swing and everyone was having a great time. Billy was wearing some plastic mistletoe on a headband which was a gift from Puppy the guinea pig. He'd already managed to catch most of the girls, but was still trying to find Lola who was playing hard to get. Blossom had brought Billy some roller skates so he was zipping around quickly with the help of Baci who was towing him. Once Billy had found Lola and received his kiss it was time for the party games. The first game was musical cushions. It got quite heated towards the end, but Baci won because he moved like greased lightning. Next came charades. Everyone had lots of fun with that, although Boris found it quite difficult as English was his second language and nobody could understand his German accent. Then there was pass the parcel. There were lots of lovely prizes and the middle one was a very tasty treat, though quite frankly all the animals had just as much fun chewing on the wrapping paper. Anyway, everyone won something and Boris got the treat in the middle.
After the games everyone pulled crackers and put on silly hats. Billy then handed out the little gifts he had bought everyone. For the girls there were little necklaces with tiny snowflake pendants and the boys all received animal sized silver engraved pens with instructions never to let their humans catch them using them.
By the time the presents had been distributed it was rather late and everyone was getting tired. Baci was already curled up asleep in the corner on a pile of cushions and Blossom was dozing nearby. Soon everyone started to leave. They all thanked Billy for a wonderful party and left little thank you gifts. Once all the guests had departed Billy and Boris gentle lifted baby Baci and put him to bed. Billy had just began tidying up when his eyelids started to feel rather heavy. He decided to have a quick nap and then tidy up later.
As Billy started to wake up he heard voices. At first he thought he was dreaming, but then he heard what was being said and realised that it was his staff. He must have slept a little longer than he expected to. His staff had discovered the party mess, and were both somewhat confused to find what seemed like tiny party supplies strewn across the living room floor. Billy smiled to himself and pretended to be asleep.