Sunday, December 8, 2013

Boobs, Shoes And Too Many Humans

Writing a fresh blog every week can be challenging for a rodent. There's only so much one can say about vegetables, herbs and poo before one starts repeating oneself. It's vital the we animal bloggers pull out all the stops to keep our human readers entertained week by week. We all know that humans have a very limited attention span and if there's nothing in the first  few lines to grab their attention their minds wander off, perhaps to shoe shops in the case of women, and more than likely boobs in the case of men. In fact I imagine that nobody at all is reading this now because it took me five lines to get onto the subject of shoes and boobs. If some smart human would only invent a pair of nice shoes to fit snugly and fashionably on ladies boobs I could concentrate the minds of 99% of humanity in one fell swoop. Meanwhile I sit here in front of a blank screen, pensively chewing on a piece of poo that I have just pulled from my own bottom passage with my teeth, wondering what I should write about this week.

Did you know that at the time of the birth of Jesus Christ (assuming such a man existed) it is thought that there were fewer than thirty million humans on this earth. Imagine how easy it would have been to find a car parking space. I believe that is about the population of Mexico City as it stands today. Now there are over seven billion of the buggers, and at this time of year it seems like they are all at our local post office whenever my male staff wants to buy a stamp.

Seven billion! How frightening is that? In 1958, the year my male staff was born there were less than three billion. That's just fifty five years ago, a mere blink of an eye in historical terms and as far as I know he hasn't personally added to that total, so don't blame him. How on earth can the world continue to supply all these people with food and water? It has long been thought that the next major war will be fought over water supplies - never mind oil. In another fifty five years the United Nations estimate that the World population will reach approximately ten billion. Imagine how far you'll have to walk from your parking spot to get your rationed daily cup of water then. At least you won't have to worry about going to the supermarket because there won't be any food. Climate change will have seen to that. Only the super rich will be able to afford to eat. Women's magazines will be full of photos of obese models dressed in the latest fashions, so that the average skeletal woman in the street will have something she can aspire to.

Did you notice anything interesting about that United Nations projected figure for the year 2068? Yes, that's right the rate of population increase will slow quite dramatically. Why? Drought? Famine? Loss of libido caused by the ever increasing consumption of anti-depressant medication? A decrease in the popularity of Catholicism? It doesn't really matter because by then the damage to the planet will be almost irreversible. There will be virtually no wildlife left because it will have been crowded out by the spread of the human population. The massive increase in cattle and sheep populations brought about by the need to feed so many people will have left many parts of the world dust bowls due to over grazing. The Sahara Desert will stretch from the Mediterranean Sea in the north to Zimbabwe in the south. The great forests of West and Central Africa will have gone the same way as the Amazon and the rain forests of South East Asia - levelled to make way for farmland and building materials.

Melting ice caps mean that many low lying Indian Ocean and Pacific Island nations no longer exist. Rising sea levels have inundated them causing their populations to flea in boats to become refugees, turned away from every nation they approach because there is not enough food, water or compassion to help even their own citizens. Australia is particularly badly effected by climate change. The southern half of the island continent below the Tropic of Capricorn is one enormous desert, while in the far north powerful cyclones whipped to a frenzy by warming ocean temperatures smash back to the stone age what remains of large coastal settlements like Darwin, Cairns and Townsville. The Great Barrier Reef had died by 2030 thanks to the warming ocean and poorly regulated use of fertilizer which is washed from the sugar cane plantations lining the Queensland coast into the Coral Sea by the huge rainfall delivered by the increasing cyclonic activity. Such run off feeds huge blooms of crown of thorns starfish which then eat every last square metre of live coral on the reef, while the silt washed down from the rivers kills the sea grass beds vital to fish, dugong and turtle breeding and feeding.

So called world leaders were warned about all this by scientists as early as the 1970's, but greed, corruption and short term gain got the better of certain politicians who dismissed the science as "Absolute Crap" in the case of Australia's own Prime Minister Tony Abbott. He and others either sat back and did nothing or actively made things worse through misguided policy choices.

If you think all that is bad enough, wait until you hear this. I had to go to the vet at the weekend to have a rock hard lump of my own poo removed from between my toes.

Boris' Bit

Heilige schei├če! Ich vish Herr Billy had not bozzered writing ein blog at all zis woche. Now ich bin sehr depressed und vil haf to haf some of Herr Billy's male staff's anti-depressants. Ich hope ich don't lose mein libido. Not zat ich habe any use for it at ze moment, but if der chance arises ich vant to be ready.


  1. Hey Billy.... you lost me at shoes... BOL. I got all sidetracked and had to read blog again. You are the funniest pig I know xx