Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Ostrich

Incredibly, given that the whole thing was organised and escorted by my male staff, our recent African safari went rather well. There were one or too minor hiccups, like Nairobi Airport burning to the ground on the day we arrived and my female staff's mum's hot air balloon ride over the Masai Mara landing upside down on a lion. Neither of these incidents could in any way be attributed to my male staff's incompetence, and fortunately this was recognised by the group members. Even my female staff's mum eventually forgave my male staff, admitting (reluctantly) that it was not really his fault that the lion ate her best hat. Initially she complained bitterly to my male staff, who casually replied that he would not be held responsible for her landing on the only lion in Kenya with a taste for fine millinery. To this she said "I don't like your attitude." To be honest he didn't really help the situation with his reply.
 "It wasn't my hat he chewed. It was yours." She thought about this for a moment before storming off to her tent to make an insurance claim. Anyway, all is forgiven.

What else? Oh yes. Another of my male staff's elderly guests had her entire Imodium supply stolen from her room by a vervet monkey. She asked my male staff what she should do about it, but he just shrugged and advised her to keep her door shut in future, and that she needn't worry about him coming back to steal her toilet paper.

The world's most constipated monkey. (Note the glazed eyes.)

It must be said that this elderly lady was not the only one to have monkey trouble. The monkeys at the Serena Lodge at Amboseli National Park are particularly vengeful. Game viewing vehicles parked there with open roofs are liable to be thoroughly searched for food and drink by these pesky primates. The trouble is that if they don't find anything worth eating they take a large odious dump on one of the seats. Apparently it takes about three months to get rid of the smell. This may be why we saw so many Chinese and Japanese tourists wearing those ridiculous face masks in their vehicles. Come to think of it, maybe that's why Michael Jackson was often seen wearing a mask. Perhaps his chimp Bubbles had crapped in his car.
So, now we are back in Australia, a nation facing the real possibility of electing a new government on September the seventh headed by a bloke called Tony Abbott who says that climate change is a myth. Actually he said it is "a load of crap" but I don't like to use the word "crap" more than once a week if I can help it. Oh crap!  There, I've used it again. Dammit! That's four times now. Honestly how can a nation elect a Prime Minister who believes that the greatest ever threat to mankind is not happening. They have creatures like him in Africa. They call them ostriches.

I have returned from Africa with an alarming medical emergency. I have bloat. It's very painful, I'm not eating, and I'm pooping less than a monkey who's eaten a whole packet of Imodium. Worse still, I can't see my beautiful feet over the top of my swollen tummy.



  1. Get better soon Badger. Love Homeslice & Steve & Alaisha

  2. Oh dear, we hope Badger feels better soon! Love, Oliver and Jasper