Sunday, February 17, 2013

Enjoy Your Human

Humans make great pets for young guinea pigs. They provide hours of entertainment, and are reasonably self contained in that they feed themselves and clean their own living quarters. They poop and pee in one place mostly, though some of the males have been know to pee in the kitchen and bathroom sinks when they have imbibed too much alcohol. I suspect the females would too, but their anatomy makes it difficult for them, especially when they are drunk. Common health problems include a tendency towards obesity (Especially in middle age.) and a disease called "a hangover". Obesity is pretty hard to cure as in my experience humans have little or no self control, while a sharp bite to the inside of their upper thigh first thing in the morning seems to snap them out of a hangover.

Humans rarely bite and are quick to provide food when wheeked at persistantly. Other than this simple task it's not easy to train them. In fact I have heard it said that it is easier to train a slug to dance. Males should not be housed together because they tend either to go off the the pub until the early hours of the morning or they sit in front of the television guzzling beer (Which can lead to peeing in the kitchen sink.) and watching rugby. Males only watch rugby together because if they watched something like Downton Abbey other males might assume that they are gay.

Females can be housed together, though this can be extremely noisy with constant chattering. If you do keep them together avoid giving them any sort of alcohol as this will result in hysterical squealing which makes the males bad tempered as they are trying to concentrate on watching the rugby. If males are present the females will often leave the house in groups called packs. These packs will migrate to the nearest shopping mall where they will spend most of the day trying on shoes and clothes. Now and again they will pause to drink coffee and make spiteful comments about other females who are not part of the pack.

Breeding humans is fraught with difficulties, although some can be persuaded to reproduce. If you really want your humans to breed you should prevent them from reaching a state of what is known as marriage. Once they reach this state the females show a marked decline in willingness to breed, although it is still possible on rare occasions if the male can be persuaded to vacuum the house or do the washing up. Even before they reach the state of marriage it can be difficult to get them to reproduce because they tend to use primitive preventative measures like slipping a little rubber sock over their naughty bits in the case of the males, while the females prefer to take a concoction of chemicals in the form of a little pill. You can combat this by chewing holes in the little rubber socks; be warned though, they taste awful, though I have seen banana flavoured ones. In the case of the little pills, they can be hidden in your cage by burying them in your bedding. On no account should you eat them yourself though. I did this once and started to grow a pair of boobs and became very snappy with poor old Badger every month for about a year.

It is possible to observe your humans in the act of procreation if you sneak into their sleeping quarters. Although if your humans have reached a state of marriage you'd have to be very lucky to catch them at it. Mostly you'll see the male reach out a hand to stroke the female's shoulder, then ninety nine times out of a hundred it will be shrugged off and the words "Not tonight dear, I've got a headache." will be uttered. Females who have reached a state of marriage get a lot of headaches. Often with unmarried humans you don't have to observe their breeding habits to know when they are doing it. You will hear them. There will be a lot of heavy breathing, quite a bit of grunting and often squeals of simulated pleasure from the female. This will generally cease after about ninety seconds and you will be able to smell tobacco smoke.

Serious human breeders usually go for a species of human called Roman Catholics. This is because there are averse to any form of contraception, considering the prevention of the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases a grave sin. They also believe that over population of the planet is something that should be encouraged no matter how many people starve to death or what damage is wrought on the environment.

Anyway, to sum up. There is no manual on how to care for your humans. There are manuals for how humans should care for each other. The two main ones are called the Bible and the Koran. Both are widely ignored until they find something obscure in one or other of them to justify their misbehavior.
Oddly, my staff do have a manual for looking after guinea pigs. It's called "Enjoy Your Guinea Pig" which sounds disturbingly like a recipe book.

The worst thing about keeping humans is caring for their feet. They just don't look after them. The females squish them into really stupid shoes that are at least a size too small and the males never lick their toes clean.


  1. This is a classic among your posts. I giggled several times...and then stopped to clean my feet (Please tell Badger).

  2. We have worked very hard to train our human and she still does not always respond as we would like. Being a pig is hard.

    Boomer and Starbuck.

    p.s. Badger, we think you look super handsome in your photo and we see your foot!