Monday, April 23, 2012

An Horrific Accident

At long last I've managed to recruit some new staff, albeit only temporarily. So far these new staff have proved just as incompetent as the old ones, but for the moment I'm cutting them a little slack because they haven't yet learned the ropes. My three new staff consist of my male staff's dad, my males staff's mad sister and her long suffering husband, all of whom have recently arrived from England, and none of whom are familiar with the art of cavy servitude. For example they still have the temerity to laugh at my butt as it wiggles past them at floor level. If this continues I will have to administer corrective nips to their tender parts. They need to learn a little respect. Just yesterday I was sitting on mad sister's lap and she was stroking me adequately, but when I stuck my feet out the back she seemed to have no idea what to do. For goodness sake! It's taken me nearly two years to train my old staff that this gesture means that I require an immediate foot massage. Now I have to start all over again with these three clowns.

Actually their arrival was something of a disappointment too. One of my best pals in England - Dalton the Dog from Wagg Foods had sent Badger and I a whole load of treats with my new temporary staff, but for some reason known only to themselves they allowed Australian Quarantine to confiscate them as they went through the airport. "No pet food allowed." They were sternly told by a little man in a uniform, who then snatched them and stuffed them under his desk so that he could take them home for his own guinea pig. So all I got was a "Notice of Seizure of Goods." Very tasty it was too, but I would have preferred the Wagg Foods treats.

At this very moment my male staff's mad sister and her long suffering husband are out terrorising South East Queensland in their rental car. Mad sister has never driven an automatic car before, so my male staff and I had to give her a quick lesson. My male staff told her to sit in the driver's seat, which she managed to find on her own because apparently, just like on a manual car the steering wheel is situated on the driver's side. With not a little trepidation my male staff and I climbed into the passengers seat. Things didn't start too well when mad sister asked where the gear stick was. My male staff's job was to tell her where to go, (Something of a role reversal there.) and my job was to leap from my male staff's lap onto mad sister's left thigh and sink my fangs into it if it looked like it was about to move for the non-existent clutch pedal. I rather enjoyed this job, it gave me a bit of exercise, and her blood contained just enough alcohol from the previous night to make me feel a little squiffy. The shout of  "Yeeaargh! You furry little bastard!" every time I bit her was most satisfying and I began to enjoy myself so much that as I jumped back from her leg to my male staff's leg I would bite him too. That would produce an anguished cry of "Owwwwwwwww! You little shit of a rodent!" And so on and on we went in a similar vane until mad sister could drive at least a hundred metres without hitting a tree, a house or a policeman. It was dark by this time and the car's bodywork was reshaped in an interestingly avant-garde fashion. As my male staff put me back in my cage, Badger just stared in awe at the blood running down my male staff's legs and those of mad sister, not to mention the bloodstained fur around my mouth. He probably thought we'd been involved in some horrific accident, whereas the only horrific accident we'd had was the one my male staff had in his pants the first time we hit a tree.

On a happier note I see that King Juan Carlos of Spain has broken his hip while shooting elephants in Botswana. It couldn't have happened to a nicer man. I bet whoever had the idea of making him the Honourary President of Spain's branch of the WWF is now thinking that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all. I'm glad that the ellie got his revenge though. King JC has apologised now, though I suspect he's only sorry that he was found out because he broke his hip. His lavish lifestyle has recently been criticised in Spain who are in economic meltdown because nobody wants to buy their sangria or time share units on the Costa del Paella, thus he's about as popular as an animal rights activist at a bullfight. 

I had to lick some of mad sister's blood from my feet. It made me dizzy.


  1. You are a wonderful and carrying teacher. I'm sure, in the long run, they will both appreciate all the help you gave.

  2. I is so not appy that they did be stealing your treats from you - I grr at them!