Friday, November 18, 2011

Come The Revolution

I don't want to worry you unnecessarily but sooner or later you humans will relax your guard and then we animals will take over the world, and quite naturally as creatures of superior intelligence (Apart from Badger of course.) cavies, and in particular guinea pigs will inherit the earth. So, come the revolution comrades there will be quite a few changes made. You humans have had your chance to make the world work and quite frankly you've totally stuffed things up. Even the dinosaurs did a better job when they were in charge and they were forty ton creatures with brains the size of a pea. Anyway, you'll all be extinct soon because you've poisoned the air you breath, eaten all the fish in the sea and chopped down all the rain forests to grow stupid palm oil that even rabbits won't eat and they're not fussy. All your politicians are corrupt, even though they all pretend that they're not. All, that is, except for Signor Berlusconi who doesn't pretend anything. He's absolutely blatent about it. I suppose a man who owns most of his nation's media can afford to be. When you look at it like that you might say that he is the planet's most honest politician.
What follows are a few of the laws that will apply as soon as we guinea pigs have deposed the current crappy batch of so called world leaders.

Neighbours" and "Home and Away" will, with immediate effect be removed from the airways & replaced with some sort of entertainment.

Guns will be confiscated from humans. Their brains are too primitive to be able to handle them safely.

Anyone caught drink driving will be sentenced to drink a gallon of cheap tequila and eat six slightly off donner kebabs within an hour.

Anyone abandoning an animal will be summarily sentenced to death by elephant trampling.

Humans found talking or texting on a mobile phone while driving will be sentenced to having their phone rammed up their bottom passage sideways...............on vibrate mode.

Any human caught throwing a cigarette butt from his or her car will be force-fed the contents of a Malaysian bar's ashtray.

Racial abuse and racial discrimination will be punished by having the perpetrator indellibly spray painted the same colour as their victim.

Airports rostering only two immigration officials to handle fourteen arriving Airbus A380s will be closed and turned into crappy down market shopping malls. Many airports are already halfway there anyway.

Shops and shopping malls displaying Christmas decorations prior to the tenth of December will have the offending decorations torn down, confiscated and made into those nice silver, heat retaining blankets which will be distributed among the world's homeless.

Managers of shops and shopping malls broadcasting Christmas music before the tenth of December will be locked into a sound proof cell and forced to listen to "There's No One Quite Like Grandma" on a loop for twenty four hours.

People writing to newspapers to complain about speeding fines will have to swap their car for a unicycle.

These simple laws will form the basis of the new regime. Anyone who has read "Animal Farm" will know the score, except for all that bollocks about all animals being equal. Humans will be second class citizens - obviously. They will be forced to live in crowded, disease ridden ghettos like Sydney, San Diego and Harrogate. Animals will not be required to work, except for horses of course. Their job will be to fertilize my parsley and coriander. Viva le Revolution Comrades. By the way you can all call me Che in future.

2 comments:

  1. Bravo, excellent post Che the Piggy Formerly Known as Billy! Whee particularly liked #s 2, 4, 6, 8 and 11. Riding a unicycle is more difficult than it looks though, can't imagine many humans will far well on one - but then again, perhaps that is the point.

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