Sunday, September 4, 2011

Driving Around The World

What with all our vet visits lately Badger and I have been spending quite a bit of time in the car. It's a frightening place to be let me tell you. You'd be amazed at just how many awful drivers there are out there. I don't include my male staff amongst those. He's very careful, especially when Badger and I are onboard. He never drives any faster than a guinea pig can run so that we don't get carsick. The other motorists obviously really appreciate his careful driving because many of them queue up behind him to get a better view of what he's doing. I suppose they want to learn from him. Some of them toot their horns in support. We're very proud of my male staff.

Anyway I got to wondering how humans get the right to drive. What is the minimum requirement to obtain a driver's licence? For example, it used to be that to obtain a licence in Egypt, you had only to drive forward twelve feet and then reverse twelve feet. I did a little research concerning driving tests in various countries, and this is what I discovered.

Minimum Requirement for a Drivers Licence.

AUSTRALIA - The ability not to get dizzy while doing donuts. On no account should you attempt to reverse park. Drivers must be able to simultaneously control (In order of importance.) an open can of beer, a spliff, a mobile phone and the steering wheel. One must also be sufficiently dexterous to bend one's radio antenna into the shape of Australia.

GREAT BRITAIN - Must wear a flat cap at all times whilst driving. Also must possess a wife with blue hair. Elderly drivers must not be able to see over the steering wheel and must drive the wrong way around a mini-roundabout, preferably without indicating.

USA - Must be able to see at least as far as the end of the hood/bonnet (A bloody long way.). Must be able drive with at least two elk strapped to said hood/bonnet. Must be able to tell the difference between a car backfire and a hand gun shot.

SAUDI ARABIA - Must be in possession of a penis. Offenders caught driving without a penis will be stoned to death for adultery.

ITALY - Drivers must have at least one arm with which to gesticulate, preferably the left one so that it can be waved through the drivers side window.

INDIA - Drivers must have 20/20 hearing so that horns can be clearly heard. Vision is optional. Sanity is a definite disadvantage.

LUXEMBOURG & LIECHTENSTEIN - Must know the road rules of every other county in Europe.

RUSSIA - There is a strict sobriety test for potential drivers. Anyone blowing below .08 on a breathalyzer is banned from driving and taken to the police station canteen, where they are plied with vodka until they are unable to walk along a straight line ten metres long. Once they have achieved this level of inebriation they will be permitted to drive.

BELGIUM - Must have a high boredom threshold.

ANYWHERE IN AFRICA - Drivers must have the ability to improvise. For example it may be necessary to use chewing gum when wheel nuts have sheered off. It may also be necessary to bribe a baboon to sit on the bonnet and wipe your windscreen if the wipers break down. A bag of bananas should be kept in the vehicle at all times for such an emergency.

I hope you've all learned something from this, and if you're one of the nice people behind my male staff's car, admiring his careful driving while Badger and I are onboard, give us a friendly toot.


  1. I did learn a bunch. Thanks for making me smarter. Toot. :-)

  2. Whee applaud your staff's careful driving with piggies on board. Our humans also take particular care when they're chauffeuring us around, but we still hate car rides nonetheless. Peaches especially does her best to shred anything she's sitting on (like our fleece)!