I just love having newspaper in the bottom of my cage. Not only to I get to do unspeakable things on the faces of my least loved politicians and celebrities but I get to learn stuff too. For example I had no idea that women could use their knockers as weapons of mass destruction. I refer of course to the American lady who was sentenced to two years probation for spraying two sheriff's deputies with breast milk as they tried to remove her from her car. The story didn't specify whether or not the milk came from a bottle or her boobs, but I like to think it was the latter. I can just imagine the scene.
Two cops approaching the car, speeding tickets at the ready. The car door bursts open and they're confronted by a woman with a crazed look in her eyes wielding a set of loaded hooters.
"Put the speeding tickets down and step away from the car." She says waggling her boobs a little. The cops hesitate. "Do it!" She snaps. "Or I'll give you both barrels." The two hardened policeman glance sideways at each other. One of them winks subtly, it's a signal they've shared throughout their many years partnership on the tough streets. They lunge towards the woman, but they're no longer young and fast and she's too quick for them. Before they make it halfway they're struck in the face by a deadly stream of warm milk. She's pulled the trigger, they didn't think she would. The cops heads were snapped back by the force of the blast, whiplash would dog them for the rest of their days and they'd never be rid of the milk stains on their uniforms.
The first cop tried to recover but slipped in a puddle of milk. The second cop, the one carrying the speeding tickets fell over him and sprawled in the road, dropping the speeding tickets into the milk. They were helpless as new born babies. The cold eyed woman casually walked towards them and the cops were mesmerised by the twin pink nipples of death as she approached. They had eyes for nothing else.
She stood over them. In a terrified, tremulous voice one of the cops said. "You'll never get away with this. The force always hunts down cop squirters."
The woman laughed, and those terrible boobs wobbled a little in the sickly yellow light of a nearby streetlamp. "Hah! No one can touch me while I've got these babies." She said sticking her chest out. "Now boys. Say your prayers." Her voice was as hard as an ice-rubbed nipple. One of the cops raised a hand but it was too little too late. Coldly, calculatingly, she took a small step back and fired. The last thing the cops saw on God's earth was a stream of milk - then everything went white.
Ah. I do like my little fantasies. Something else I saw in the paper was an advertisement for drag racing. What is that? Men dressed in their wives clothes running around a track in dainty little high-heeled shoes. I hope so. I'd pay to see that. I'd pay double to see my male staff in drag race.