Sunday, May 22, 2011

Try Not To Bite Anything

Isn't it just bloody typical? I fly all the way to London stuck inside my male staff's suitcase with a pair of undies in one ear, a sock in the other and a toothbrush up my bottom passage, and what do I find? Wills and Kate are on honeymoon, doing whatever weird stuff humans do on honeymoon and weren't able to meet me at Heathrow airport.  The disappointment was devastating. My staff had to console me with an extra large piece of lettuce and the promise of more when we got to my staff's Mum and Dad's house.

What's England like? Well, it's almost as peculiar as Singapore. For a start it's both hot and cold at the same time. This time of year if you stand in the open you get simultaneously blasted by a cold wind that feels like it's come straight off the North Pole and burnt by a surprisingly hot sun. It's like standing between an air-conditioner on full blast and a single bar electric heater. Anyway, it's a relief to be out of Singapore's humidity, but it's going to be quite some time before my fur returns to normal.

Well, pretty much the first thing I learned about England is that their politicians are as dopey as their Australian counterparts. One of the first things that David Cameron's Conservative/Liberal Democratic government did when they were elected was to cut police numbers. The second thing they did was to enact a whole lot of new motoring laws which makes offenders liable for on the spot fines for offences like tail-gating and driving a better car than the chief inspector. Of course the problem with these new laws is that there are now no police to enforce them, so they might just have well have made it an offence to urinate in your own kitchen sink, or to wipe bogies on the underside of your dining table. They're a good idea in principle but pretty pointless if there's no one around to enforce them. Parliament's time would have been better spent getting people back to work so that there is more tax revenue to pay for such boring things as policemen. But then what do I know? I'm just a guinea pig, a guinea pig with royal connections maybe, but still just a guinea pig.

This afternoon my staff took me with him to see his poorly Mum in horsepiddle. As soon as went through the door we were confronted by a female thing dressed in a white circus tent, with a face like Mike Tyson - only not as pretty. She yelled "You can't bring that filthy animal in here!" I replied that my staff is quite clean and that he in fact had a shower only a week ago before he left Australia. However, I then noticed that she was pointing at me. I was outraged naturally - speechless in fact. My staff just shrugged and said he'd leave me in the car. Once we were back outside the horsepiddle, my staff said not to worry and that he's smuggle me in. At that point he shoved me down the front of his trousers.
  "Try not to bite anything." He told me. "And don't wriggle around, you'll arouse suspicion." Believe me, suspicion was the last thing I was worried about arousing. So we sat there chatting to my staff's Mum. My staff unzipped his fly so that I could breath and eat some of his Mum's grapes. I'm just glad that the savage nurse who first met us didn't see what was poking out of his fly, let alone the fact that he was feeding it grapes.

After a while my staff's Mum said that she was thirsty so he volunteered to go to the nurses station to ask for a jug of water. He zipped up his fly, leaving me with a small gap to peep through. He then approached the nurses station where several Mike Tyson lookalikes were seated.
  "Excuse me," he asked one of them politely. "Would you mind getting my Mother a jug of water, she's a bit thirsty?" Well, all the Mike Tyson lookalikes looked up at once and fixed my staff with a look of disgust and contempt as if he'd just said "Excuse me ladies would you mind showing me your knockers?" Nevertheless half an hour later a jug of water appeared at my staff's Mum's bedside. The whole afternoon was jolly good fun and I hope I can go to the horsepiddle again tomorrow.


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