Thursday, May 26, 2011

Seven Deadly Sins

While I've been busy trying to keep my male staff out of trouble as he travels the world, my female staff has been living the high life back in Australia. She's been shopping, dining out and taking joy rides to Brisbane on the train. I can understand why she likes the train - it's always so entertaining. On this most recent journey she was accompanied by a nice lady wielding a Watchtower magazine which contained a full page description of each of the seven deadly sins. A short time into the journey the nice lady leapt to her feet and began a religious rant that would have done Ayatolla Khomeini proud. She then proceeded to rip pages from her magazine and hand them very generously to her fellow passengers. My female staff received the page concerning the deadly sin of gluttony. At this point she decided to do less dining out and more shopping in the future. Having distributed the seven deadly sins the nice lady sat down next to an elderly gentleman and threatened to stuff what was left of her magazine up his nose. All the passengers were terribly disappointed when she disembarked soon afterwards. The rest of the journey was rather boring.

My male staff, his sister and his dad have all been rather upset lately and I've been hard pressed to raise their spirits in spite of all my endearing cuteness and vibrant personality. You see my male staff's mum is very ill in horsepiddle and it fell to him to deliver some rather bad news to the rest of the family. He and his sister share the same perverted sense of humour and I overheard him telling her the following sad but apparently true story.

A while ago in the British army there was a certain Regimental Sergeant Major Stone. It was RSM Stone's habit to give the soldiers bad news about their family while on parade. He would stand the regiment to attention, puff out his barrel chest and yell out at the top of his voice something like.
 "Private Jones. Your mother has been run over by a bus and killed. Take five days leave and go to her funeral." Naturally poor Private Jones was very upset at this, as was everyone who received tragic news in this manner. Eventually the RSM's superior - Colonel Blamey came to hear of the way RSM Stone dealt with these delicate matters and he called him into his office.
 "Now look here old chap." he said "You're going to have to be more subtle with the men when delivering bad news. Try taking a more gentle approach." The RSM saluted, turned smartly on his heel and marched from the office. A week later the regiment were on parade again, lined up neatly and standing stiffly to attention. RSM Stone strode up and stood before them. Puffing out his chest he bellowed
"All men with living mothers take one pace forward........ Where the bloody hell do you think you're going Lance Corporal Bates?

Yep. Sometimes if you didn't laugh you'd cry.

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