So anyway, about 6 months ago I really was feeling a little off. You know, upset tummy, squirty bottom etc. To be honest I didn't smell particularly pleasant either, which is probably why the other guinea pigs didn't really want to have anything to do with me. Can't blame them. Every time they came within range they were hit with a blast of smelly wind and ran the risk of treading in one of my squashy droppings. Not that I should have too much sympathy for them. It was probably one of them that gave me the shits in the first place.
Then it happened! I was happily munching on a piece of day old carrot when this dirty great hand reaching into the cage, clamps itself around my rumbling stomach and drags me into the fresh air before I could even think about releasing one of my silent but deadlies. I'm handed over to this tall dude with a big nose and sticky- out ears and he cuddles me to his chest like I'm his long lost brother or something, which clearly I'm not because I'm far to handsome to be related to this geezer.
After a period of somewhat effeminate gooing and gahing (He did at least have the good grace to say that I was "a gorgeous little thing". Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious.) he handed me over to this chick for another dose of cuddling and gooing and gahing. At least the chick was better looking and she smelled nice too, not all sweaty like the bloke. I gazed up at her. It was like looking in a mirror. She had brown eyes like mine and blonde streaked hair, also like mine. She was the most beautiful human I'd ever seen. Not that that is saying much let's face it - horrible pallid, hairless things on the whole.
Next thing I new I was in their car and being transported to their house. Bloody marvelous isn't it? No one asked me my opinion. No one said "Excuse me Billy, but would you mind if these strange people took you away from the only home you've ever known, nice cosy, familiar surroundings and all your family and friends." Did I get a say in the matter? No I bloody didn't.