A Responsible Adult

Don't say I didn't warn you.   I told you on Twitter that there would be no blog post last week because I was traveling (in spirit) across to the other side of Australia with my male staff.  That's from Brisbane to Perth, which is like New York to Los Angeles or Lands End to John O'Groats times about five for those of you unaccustomed to Australian geography.  However, like the great Arnold Schwartzenpiggy I said "I'll be back." and here I am.

I must admit that I was a little worried about leaving my female staff at home on her own, but then again she did have three other guinea pigs (live ones at that) looking after her.  There's Tom, Alfie, Baci and Paolo the budgie. Plus she also had the supervision of a responsible adult in the shape of Toby - one of the world's ten fattest cavies according to Debrett's.  He disciplines the younger guinea pigs by sitting on their heads.

A responsible adult.

So, it was off to Perth for me and my male staff and I must say that going there in spirit is a lot more comfortable than flying there in Comedy Class.  For a start you don't have to sit there for almost six hours with your knees resting on your chest just because the selfish twat in the seat in front of you decides he's going to recline his seat back fully from the moment the plane takes off until two minutes before it lands, so that you get to admire the dandruff on his headrest at close quarters.  You also don't have to put up with the obnoxious brat in the seat behind kicking the back of your seat for the same six hours.  For some reason humans frown on you if you turn around and slap the little bit of bush chocolate across the head and tell it's ignorant parents to control their evil spawn or you'll tip their rum and Coke over their heads and then shove the plastic cups up their noses.

It was dark when my male staff's plane landed and once he'd unfolded his cramped limbs and hobbled off the plane he went to the rental car desk where he collected a set of keys and shuffled off to find his car.  Naturally it was the furthest one from the terminal so his bag carrying arm was at least six inches longer by the time he reached it.  I reminded him that this was his own fault because he was too mean to pay four dollars for a luggage cart.  The car was a Mitsubishi Lancer and appeared to be made entirely out of recycled 7 Up cans. Nevertheless, it had four wheels and started first time and within half an our he had arrived at his destination.  Obviously as I was traveling in spirit I arrived well before him.  We were staying at the house of his mad sister's long suffering husband's sister and her husband, who may have also been long suffering, but I don't really know him well enough to make that judgement. Male staff's mad sister and her long suffering husband had just arrived from England and were rather shocked to find that male staff's Dad had stowed away in one of their bags.  He hadn't been invited on the trip but felt that he was entitled to join them since he had paid for their tickets.

It had been a year since the family had seen each other. Male staff kissed and hugged his mad sister and shook her long suffering husband's hand.  Wait, let me think, maybe it was the other way round, I can't remember.  His dad was sitting in an armchair waiting for police to arrive because mad sister had called them when she discovered him in her suitcase, but I don't think they believed her because they never did turn up.  Either that or they had something more important to do like sitting in their patrol car, eating doughnuts, drinking coffee and keeping an eye on the scantily clad chicky babes in the nightclub district. The next day, when mad sister finally gave away the idea of turning her Dad over to the cops she went out and hired him an electric mobility scooter because his dicky knee meant it took an eternity for him to get anywhere. Also she thought it might keep him out of trouble and give her and long suffering husband more time to enjoy themselves.  It was an ill advised move from the start.  Nevertheless it did provide hours of family fun watching him drive the thing into fish ponds, the ocean (from Fremantle Pier), across six lane highways and most memorably of all Perth International Airport's main runway.

Anyway, after a week my male staff decided to fly back to Brisbane with his Dad before someone got seriously hurt.  I think he was most worried that it might be him.  He also decided not to hire a mobility scooter for him.  Still, it's surprising how much fun you can have with a Zimmer frame, especially one my male staff has made himself to save money.

BACI'S BALONEY

I'm like Whoa!  Where did this old geezer come from?  Uncal Billy's mail staff comes in and like ten minits later this other old bloke comes in and he looks just like Uncal Billy's mail staff ecksept he's like for hundred yeers older, witch is kwite amayzing cos Uncal Billy's mail staff must be a hundred and fifty if he's a day.  Anyway this old dude terns owt to be pritty kool reely cos he like gives me rides on his wheelie warker wen he's not like repairing it cos Uncal Billy's mail staff isunt very good at making things.