Distracted Drivers Are Dangerous

On Saturday morning my male staff fired up the old GPS (Guinea Pig Seeker), loaded Baci into Grandma Pig's Mercedes (It gives the piggy passengers a smoother ride than the Getz.) and set sail for the Queensland Guinea Pig Refuge, which for normal people is about an hour and a half's drive. For my male staff it's only about forty minutes when he's driving the Mercedes because he forgets that he's not in the Getz. In the Getz one cannot possibly accidentally exceed the speed limit of one hundred and ten kilometres per hour on the Bruce Highway because once you get to about eighty kilometres an hour everything starts to shake rattle and roll. The wing mirrors begin to flap, the windscreen wipers suddenly flip out to the either side and to the alarm of the driver of the following vehicle the rear hatch springs open, depositing whatever was in the back onto the road. We once lost my female staff's dad that way without my staff noticing, and let me tell you, he was not very happy when he finally caught up with us.  Fortunately his wheelie-walker exited the car at the same time so he wasn't greatly inconvenienced.  They only realised that he wasn't there when it dawned on them that he hadn't complained about my male staff's driving for twenty minutes.

I believe I may have mentioned this before, but my male staff is labouring under the misapprehension that the Getz has automatic transmission.  The car salesman told him this to get rid of him.  It hasn't of course, it's a manual, but my male staff thinks he doesn't have to change gear and believes the engine is supposed to scream in agony when doing eighty kilometres an hour in first gear with the rev-counter firmly lodged in the pretty red sector.

However, in the Mercedes, which really in an automatic, my male staff can cruise serenely along at one hundred and sixty kilometres an hour and the superior suspension irons out all the bumps, even when he makes one of his short detours into the median strip having become distracted by one of the  illuminated roadside signs that says "Focus! Distracted drivers are dangerous."  Another distraction was the flashing blue and red lights on the car behind him.  He tried to ignore it because the driver was obviously a deranged drug addict.  He may well have been, but he was also a police officer.  With some difficulty he overhauled the Mercedes and in a none too friendly fashion indicated that my male staff might at some point in the journey like to pull over so that the policeman could have have a chat with him.

Having stopped (In the fast lane of course to avoid unnecessary swerving to get to the hard shoulder.) my male staff lowered the window just has the policeman arrived.
 "Good morning constable." Said my male staff cheerily.
 "Do you have a driving license sir?" Asked the policeman, somewhat less cheerily. 
 "Yes thanks." Replied my male staff. "Is it okay if I go now?"  The policeman turned an odd shade of purple and started to fiddle with his Taser.
 "No sir, it's not okay." He said with remarkable restraint. "What is your reason for exceeding the speed limit by fifty kilometres an hour today?"
 "Golly! Was I really going that fast officer? I had no idea, but then I wasn't really concentrating. I was too busy stroking my guinea pig." My male staff pointed to Baci who was sitting on the back seat amid a pile of bush chocolate happily munching away on a stick of celery."
 "Your guinea pig sir? You were leaning into the back seat, stroking your guinea pig while doing one hundred and sixty kilometres per hour?"
 "Well yes," admitted my male staff. "He's a bit nervous."
 "I'm not surprised." Said the policeman.
 "No officer, you don't understand.  I'm in a hurry because I'm taking Baci........"
 "Baci?" Interrupted the policeman.
 "Yes, Baci - my guinea pig. I'm taking him to the Queensland Guinea Pig refuge to find him a friend. It's a bit of an emergency really because we're worried that he might be lonely.  He's got two other friends you see and they live in cages next door to each other so that they can talk......."
 "Your guinea pigs can talk sir?"
  "Yes that's right officer, to each other at least. They don't speak English of course, that would be ridiculous."  The policeman began massaging his temple with the hand that wasn't fiddling with his Taser. I think he might have been getting a headache.
 "Anyway, to cut a long story short," continued my male staff, "I was in a hurry because Baci is nervous and I want to get him to the guinea pig refuge to find him a friend as soon as I can so that he doesn't have to be nervous about meeting new guinea pigs for any longer than is absolutely necessary."

The policeman sighed, told my male staff to stay were he was and walked back to his car, returning a few moments later clutching a piece of paper.  "You'll be getting an on the spot fine of four hundred and fifty dollars today sir and you'll also receive three demerit points." He handed the piece of paper to my male staff and then walked back to his police car shaking his head and massaging his temple. Both temples actually. He'd re-employed his Taser fiddling hand to the more pressing task of trying to relieve his throbbing headache.  My male staff tossed the piece of paper onto the back seat. Baci had consumed it before they reached the Guinea Pig Refuge and my male staff forgot all about it. It probably wasn't important anyway.

BACI'S BALONEY

Well, wunce we got to the ginny pig refuge I was like put in a big rownd cage thing on the lawn and I dint know wat waz expected of me, so I like starts eeting the grass. Very nice it waz too. Then this other ginny pig is put into the rownd cage thing with me.  I like sniffs his butt and he sniffs mine. Then I mounted his head and he mounted myne.  Then I decided I dint lyke him mutch so I puffed myself up so that I look big and savidge and chattered my teef to show him how sharp they are. Then I like leaped at him, but this hand cums down and snatches him up before I can byte him.

So, there I am alone in the rownd cage again, so I eat a bit moor grass and then soon anuther ginny pig is put in with me so we had to go throo the hole butt sniffing thing all over again. Anyway I dint lyke him mutch eyetha so I puffed up and chattered my teef just lyke befour, and then leaped at him. Again this durty grate hand cums down and snatches him up befour I cood sink my teef into his butt.

Wunce again I go back to eeting the grass and soon another ginny pig is put in with me. This one's black and whyte and very fatt and is called Toby.  By now I'm getting tyred of puffing up and chattering so I just ignore him and konsuntrate on eeting.
 "Awww look." Says this laidees voyce. "They're getting on wunderfully. I think Baci has fownd the purrfect frend."  So then we're both grabbed and stuffed into separate karrying boxes and put on the back seet of the car.

Wen we get home Uncal Billy's male staff calls out to Uncal Billy's female staff.  "Hay!" He says. "I'm home and I've fownd Baci a reely good little frend. His name's Toby and I think they will be the best of chums."
 I'm like "In yor dreems pal." And as soon as Uncal Billy's staff put us together again I like go for Toby's throte.  Toby is living in the cage necks dor at the moment, but I can still swear at him throo the bars.

    TOBY