A Jar Of Vaseline

This will be my last blog for a couple of weeks because this coming Sunday Boris, Baci and I are being shipped off to the Noosa Pet Resort for a fortnight while my staff go gallivanting off to India. Paolo will be housed with my female staff's Mum over this period. Lucky him. My female staff's Mum's memory is not what it was, so he's likely to get fed several times a day, as opposed to the one meal he gets at home.  I have instructed my staff to start getting our things together for our holiday. These include several bails of hay and bedding, a metre tall pile of old newspapers, enough vegetables for three hungry rodents for two weeks, guinea pig pellets, water bottles, food bowls, toys, chews, various treats, cages, pigloos, cuddling towels........the list goes on. The resort is sending the pet taxi for all the paraphernalia on Monday morning and my staff will take us in the Getz.

I have of course decreed that my staff can only start getting their stuff together for their big trip once they have organised mine, but that's okay, they should have at least half an hour to pack before they have to leave for the airport. They normally travel light in any case - a couple of pairs of high heeled shoes, three bras, three pairs of frilly knickers, a cool cotton dress and a small container of cosmetics - that's my male staff. My female staff takes even less stuff.

The timing is working out rather nicely, or at least hopefully it will. Once we cavies are safely ensconced at the pet resort, enjoying the first of our treats and anticipating our first manicure and fur brushing my staff have organised the pest people to come and fumigate the house. It's been two years now since the last pest inspection (They found two by the way - my staff.) and the ants, cockroaches and spiders are starting to take over.My female staff even found a herd (what's the collective noun for a group of ants?) of ants in her underwear drawer, while my male staff has taken to sleeping with his mouth taped shut so that spiders don't fall from the ceiling into his mouth at night. This doesn't stop the cockroaches crawling up his nose of course, though he did try stuffing cotton wool up his nostrils too. Obviously this preventative measure didn't last very long. He did manage to fall asleep but was woken by an all too real dream that my female staff was trying to suffocate him with a pillow. Actually it wasn't a dream at all, my female staff had just had enough of his snoring, but she managed to convince my male staff that he had been dreaming.  Anyway, I mention that the timing is good simply because we guinea pigs won't be there when the pest people start splashing their poison about. I'd hate to wind up on my back like a cockroach, my legs twitching sporadically as the poison courses through my veins. Sheesh! Now I'm feeling sorry for cockroaches. I'm really getting soft in my old age.

Actually I'm rather glad that I'm not travelling to India with my staff. I'm always getting shoved into small, dark places upon their persons in order to get me past customs and security, and they are running out of orifices large enough to take a reasonably sized cavy, so I worry where I will end up next. So far on my travels I have been thrust down the front of my male staff trousers and up my female staff's blouse. Neither were pleasant experiences, but I tell you this. The first time I see them heading towards me with a jar of Vaseline I'll quit and find myself some sane staff.

So, that's about it for now. I'll sign off for about three weeks and will no doubt return to regale you with tales of my staff's exotic misadventures in the Sub-Continent and I wouldn't be at all surprised if Boris, Baci and I have a few of our own at the Noosa Pet Resort. See you all on Twitter for the next week or so.

BORIS' BIT

Please do not be gettink der wrong idea. Ich am sehr grateful for der free holiday, but how is it comink about zat ich never got ein say in der matter. Vot if I am nicht likink der Noosa Pet Resort. Vot if zere is beink no pool around vich ich can reserve alles der sunbeds mit mein towels before der uzzer piggies get zere. Und vot is happenink if zey are servink me mit der big helpinks of saurkraut?
Mein accent vill go back to beink as bad as it vas before.