Billy Out Of Africa - The Lost Mother-in-Law

We managed to get through the main part of our safari without anybody getting eaten or even slightly chewed. Our final stop in Kenya was at Amboseli National Park in the shadow of Mount Kilimanjaro - the highest mountain in Africa. There was even a little bit of snow on the top, but nowhere near as much as there was even ten years ago. Still, that's nothing to worry about because Australia's potential Prime Minister Tony Abbott says that global climate change is a myth. Thanks heavens for that. I expect the planet's weather will return to normal as soon as the Mad Monk is elected.

Mount Kilimanjaro with a herd of pelicans in the foreground

It has to be said that my staff were very tired by the end of the trip. Eating all that food really takes a toll. Then there was the stress of preventing Badger and I from scaring the lions and stopping my female staff's mum from trying to stroke every elephant she saw. On one occasion my male staff had to crash tackle her as she approached a female and her calf; something that is best not done as a mother elephant is likely to rip your head off with her trunk and use it for a football.

A mother elephant covers her eyes as my male staff crash tackles his Mother-in-Law in an attempt to stop her from molesting the animals.

In fact my staff were so exhausted that they fell asleep on chairs in the garden of the lodge. They would still be there if Badger hadn't noticed that a few vultures had mistakenly thought them to have "kicked the bucket" and started gathering in the trees in anticipation of a good (if somewhat fatty) meal.

Vultures gathering in the trees, attracted by the smell of my sleeping staff. The vultures thought my staff were decomposing but actually they had simply lost their deodorant.

A baby hyena even popped out of one of the storm drain to see 

where the delicious aroma was coming from.

You may remember that when we first arrived in Nairobi almost three weeks ago, my female staff managed to burn down the airport. As a result, chaos still reigned when we returned to the airport to leave. There were humans of every hue rushing all over the place and pilots wandering about looking confused as they hunted for their aircraft. Anyway, when my staff, Badger and I finally settled into our seats in the plane bound for Bangkok it was an enormous relief, despite the prospect of a nine hour flight with an entertainment system that worked for five minutes and then broke down and food that strongly resembled leopard vomit both visually and in an olfactory sense.

My staff were on their ninth vodka and tonic and the plane was just about to cross the Indian coastline just north of Mumbai when my female staff was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that she had forgotten something important.  "Where's Mum?" she asked my male staff.
 "No idea." he replied. "I thought she was with you." He gulped down the last of his drink and pressed the little button to summons the cabin crew, not out of concern for his Mother-in-Law but to order another vodka and tonic. Anyway, a thorough search of the plane revealed no sign of her. They even persuaded a very fat African lady to stand up in case she was sitting on her, but all to no avail. On arrival at Bangkok airport my staff made inquiries at the lost luggage counter and it turns out that my female staff's mum had in fact boarded a plane bound for Lagos. Kenya Airways assured us that she would be returned to us as soon as she was located. Suitably reassured my staff, Badger and I retired to a very nice hotel room overlooking Bangkok's Chao Praya River from where we could watch bush chocolate and other pollutants floating serenely towards the Gulf of Siam.

 The view from our hotel room in Bangkok.

Now then, since you've all behaved so well while I've been away I will treat you to one last African sunset shot.

Amboseli