Clackers

It's Sunday night and there's a huge moon. No, my male staff hasn't dropped has pants.....again. I'm talking about the real moon. Apparently it's so large because it is the closest it has been to earth since the last time it was pretty close. Earlier I thought Badger was howling at it and I began to get a little worried that he might be turning into a werepiggy, but it turned out he'd just dragged his testostricles through his water bowl and the water therein was rather chilly. My female staff had to drag him from his cage and dry them off with a hairdryer. It was all rather entertaining. As the hairdryer blasted warm air at his nether regions his testostricles got into a sort of hypnotic swaying rhythm so that they looked and sounded like a set of clackers, not unlike the one's below, except they're black not red obviously.

My male staff remembers these horrible things when they first became a craze in the early nineteen seventies. Even back then they had a tendency to explode unexpectedly causing horrendous shrapnel wounds to anyone within twenty metres or so. And yet as we know, humans rarely learn from their mistakes and only recently they made a comeback, causing more casualties. It is rumoured that a Taliban suicide bomber tried to use a set of clackers in a raid on an Afghan government building and was only discovered when he caught his thumb between his balls (so to speak). His screams of pain alerted the security guards who were quick to arrest him and he was thrown into a cell where Hanson's "MMMBop" was playing on a continuous loop at high volume. Serves him right. Eventually he confessed and Toys R Us are now being investigated under suspicion of supplying arms to enemy combatants.

It hasn't escaped my attention that humans have a penchant for stupid and pointless fads. The yo yo for instance is a wonderful example of pointlessness. My male staff knocked his two front teeth out with his when he was a kid. It was a move that thereafter was named "The Orthodontist" and was very popular amongst skilled yo yo-ers until the safer "Walking The Dog" manoeuvre was invented by Carrie Abandayd. Tragically this trick was also banned when Carrie's yo yo killed a passing Chihuahua.

Another human fad, the usefulness of which completely passes me by is holidays, or vacations if you happen to have the misfortune to live on the wrong side of the Pacific Ocean. How peculiar that people scrimp and save and go without so that they can afford a trip to somewhere exotic and then don't bother researching their destination. The British used to be masters of this, complaining that in Spain all they could get to eat was "foreign muck" and that they couldn't get a good British meal of  curry and chips anywhere. The stupid locals all drive on the wrong side of the road, only speak Spanish and it's always too hot. Aussies are no better. Instead of trying to learn the local language they'd rather teach Balinese or Thai hotel porters and waiters Australian slang and then tell them it means something entirely different. Hence these days if you should arrive at your Kuta Beach resort in Bali to be greeted with "G'day. Fancy a root" from the doorman you should be neither surprised nor offended. It's just that some drunk Aussie has told them that "G'day. Fancy a root?" is the most respectful form of greeting in Australia.

No doubt this holiday/vacation fad will pass as they all do when you humans find out that it is harmful to your health and that sunburn and "Bali belly" are not as much fun as you first thought.
Meanwhile the Australian Tourist Authority is doing it's bit to deter tourists by employing my male staff on their on-line help desk. My regular readers may already know that my male staff has a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions. (Though it has to be said that he's not averse to asking them himself. Asking Badger and I "Are you hungry?" being a prime example.)

So far he's doing a great job deterring visitors to Australia, although some of his "clients" are probably dumb enough to take him seriously. Would you like some examples?

Q: Does  it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it  rain on TV, how do the plants grow?  ( UK). 
A: We  import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around  watching them die. 
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Q: Will  I be able to see kangaroos in the street?  ( USA) 
A: Depends how  much you've been drinking.
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Q: I  want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water. 
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Q: Are  there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you  send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville  and Hervey Bay ? (  UK) 
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA) 
A: A-fri-ca is  the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe  .
Aus-tra-lia is that big  island in the middle of the Pacific which does not  ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, Sydney. Come naked.
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Q: Which  direction is North in Australia ?  ( USA) 
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here  and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ?  ( UK) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we  do.
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Q:  Can  you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is  that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is  ...  
Oh, forget  it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, Sydney straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ?  ( UK) 
A: You are a male British politician, right?
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Q: Are  there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany) 
A: No, we are a  peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q:  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (  USA) 
A: Rattlesnakes  live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All  Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely  handled, and make good  pets.
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Q: I  have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but  I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA) 
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of  gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. 
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: Do  you celebrate Christmas in Australia ?  ( France) 
A: Only at  Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  ( USA) 
A: Yes, but  you'll have to learn it  first. 

BADGER'S FOOTNOTE

I didn't howl at all. I merely expressed mild shock that my feet were wet. I've told Billy a trillion times not to exaggerate.