Paranormal Piggy

Remember Paul the psychic octopus from the 2010 soccer World Cup? He correctly predicted the results of every game Germany played. Well sadly Paul is no more. He's gone to the place where all good octopi go - stir fried in a wok with coriander, basil, garlic, chili and a variety of Asian greens. However, never fear. I have found a replacement - Me. Meet Billy the Paranormal Piggy. I'm going to make a few predictions of my own for 2012 and I bet they're every bit as accurate as Paul's.

Charlie Sheen will be a surprise nomination for the the Republican Party Presidential candidate. He wins the election in a landslide thanks to a promise of free cocaine for all. President Sheen nominates Lady Gaga as Vice President. (Hey, it could happen. Look at Ronald Reagan.)

North Korea becomes the first nation to put a man on Mars. At least according to Kim Jong-un. He also becomes the first man to play eighteen holes of golf in eighteen strokes, beating his father's record by two strokes.

Great Britain invades Europe because Prime Minister David Cameron is deeply unpopular and needs some sort of distraction. Europe is so impoverished by the Euro-zone crisis that all it's armies have been disbanded, giving Britain an easy victory. A victory made easier because it was Britain's turn to have the communal aircraft carrier. Emperor Cameron then tours his new empire and commandeers all of Europe's legume farms. He returns to Westminster with the legendary statement - "Peas In Our Time."

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls on her sword, or to be more accurate is pushed on to it (multiple times) by Foreign Minister and former PM Kevin Rudd. Half a dozen government MPs slip on the resulting pool of blood and sustain serious injuries making them unable to take their place at Parliament House. This means that the Australian Labor Party loses it's slim majority. A general election is called and is won by the Liberal Party under Tony Abbott. As promised, his first act is to "Stop The Boats." Several cruise companies go out of business and fish disappears from menus across the nation.

Several Pacific island nations are inundated by rising ocean waters due to global warming. The inhabitants make for Australia in boats, but are met on the shore by Prime Minister Abbott waving his arms and yelling "Go back to where you came from. Just because we Australians are the world's highest per capita producers of greenhouse gas doesn't mean that it's our fault that your islands sank. Anyway, global warming is just a lefty - pinko conspiracy. Try Tasmania. Oh wait, that's Australia too isn't it? "

In the sporting world Tiger Woods wins the US Philandering Open by three holes and the Democratic Republic of Congo's all pygmy basketball team is a surprise winner of the World Championships over the United States of America, who's coach after the game sportingly praised the pygmy's tactical use of stepladders.

Both Australia and New Zealand rugby unions teams cause an upset by picking a player who was actually born in Australia and New Zealand.

There we have it then. My predictions for 2012. Keep an eye on the news to see how many of them come true, and remember where you saw it first.