Furry Gattling Guns

Badger and I had to spend the entire flight from Singapore to Dubai in our staff's seat back pockets because they didn't want a repeat of us chewing cables that made the plane go round and round in circles. We were comfortable enough but neither of us could see the movie screen. Instead we had to watch our staff sculling down litres of wine and goodness know much how much airline food. At least they fed us the odd bit of carrot and lettuce now and again.

Let me tell you. Dubai is a bad place for a hairy guinea pig, and not great for a little black, heat absorbing guinea pig like Badger either. This place is seriously hot and seriously humid. It's like being in an oven in which someone has left a bucket of water. (Probably my female staff - knowing her cooking.) My fur is as limp as a six week old lettuce and Badger is sweating like a.........well, like a pig actually. Anyway, we were all very tired by the time we arrived at our hotel. Our room is long way up with a big window that looks out across some roof tops towards the Burj Al Arab Hotel and the Gulf of Arabia beyond that. You might remember the Burj Al Arab Hotel. It has a helicopter pad on the roof from which Tiger Wood once hit a golf ball into the Gulf. Of course that was before his testostricles exploded and he went utterly insane and started cheating on his Scandinavian bikini model wife. I'm glad they didn't pick my male staff to hit the ball into the Gulf - he'd have missed for sure. Mind you, having said that, he would lose half a dozen balls in the water every round he played, so perhaps he wouldn't have been such a bad choice after all.

We'd barely settled into our hotel room when my female staff dragged the rest of us into the humungus shopping mall next door. Shopping malls have the effect of making my male staff's wallet shrivel up in the same way that my testostricles do when my staff mention the vet. Nevertheless despite much whining from him, Badger and myself we quickly found ourself surrounded by designer label shops like Tommy Hilfiger, Breitling and Calvin Klein - where you can buy a pair of  undies for the price of a small car. There was Christian Dior and Armani too. Try as they might my staff couldn't find a K-Mart. Walmart or Target store. What they did find however was a four hundred metre ski slope with real snow. This came as something of a surprise since it was forty-two degrees centigrade outside and a ski slope is not really what you expect to find in a shopping mall anyway.

It was facinating. The place had a proper ski lift and everything. There was even a cafe called San Moritz which had a synthetic log fire and served fondu. In a way, it summed up what Dubai is all about - artificiality. Never mind. Badger and I had a lot of fun. My male staff hired a snow board for us, took us to the top of the slope and gave us a shove. Badger closed his eyes and prayed, while I wheeked at the top of my piggy voice. Close to the bottom of the slope we ran into a lady in a burqa which sent us flying into a snowdrift - pigs really do fly. We were stuck fast, buried up to our hind legs which we wiggled frantically in a bid to get free and shot out bush chocolate like a couple of furry gattling guns. After what seemed like hours my female staff pulled us out and brushed the snow out of our fur. Boy did my male staff get a death stare from Badger. I wouldn't like to have been on the receiving end of that. We really have something to look forward to tomorrow. My male staffs says we're all going out to see the dessert. I can almost taste the strawberries, grapes, bananas, blueberries and watermelon already.