"THIS WHEEK IN PARADISE"
For the concerned (deceased) cavy.
when I glanced down to see that the entire human race seems to have it's knickers in a knot.
Last time I looked, yesterday in fact, Ebola had caused fewer than five thousand deaths and all but a handful of those in just three nations, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea and yet you humans are terrified, so terrified that you are cancelling travel arrangements in your thousands. Look, there are more than seven billion humans on planet earth, far too many actually and only five thousand have died of Ebola since the current outbreak began in February this year. That's five thousand in eight months. Since February seventy times that many - yes that's three hundred and fifty thousand Africans have died from malaria according to the WHO (No, nothing to do with Roger Daltry.) without so much as a two line sentence in the Western media. Why? Because most Western media "consumers" don't give a damn what happens to Africans, yet a couple of white nurses die from Ebola and suddenly civilisation as we know it is coming to an end. Yes Ebola it's a horrible disease, any guinea pig can tell you that, but lets put things in perspective. If you are not living with or treating an Ebola victim you are not going to catch Ebola, so don't cancel your travel plans you daft buggers, unless your travel plans involve going to one of the three above mentioned countries to kiss or lick complete strangers and frankly I wouldn't recommend that in any country. Anyway let's face it, nobody goes to Liberia, Sierra Leone or Guinea on holiday. Read my piggy lips. YOU WILL NOT CATCH EBOLA.
Here in Australia we have had two or three nurses return from West Africa with "flu like symptoms". Rightly they were quarantined as a precaution, but as soon as the media got to hear of it the E word appeared in capital letters in every newspaper and was shouted on every radio station and TV channel. The press could smell a great human tragedy story. One that may even effect the West. Imagine how disappointed these journalists were when the nurses' "flu like symptoms" turned out to be flu.
It was the same during the SARS outbreak. The media screamed of how dangerous traveling had become and that the moment you stepped off a plane in a foreign land you would almost certainly contract the disease and die horribly before you even managed to get as far as the immigration desk and have your passport stamped. In the end the media were disappointed with that too, and bird flu - remember that? All these diseases are incredibly hard to catch and statistically you are almost twice as likely to be struck by lightening as you are to catch Ebola, so come on humans, when are you going to realise that these days the media are not there to inform responsibly, they are there to make as much money as they possibly can by scaring the bush chocolate out of you. Still, I supposed in the end humans and guinea pigs are not so different. When we see a shadow gliding past we both run for cover without checking to see if it's a eagle or a sparrow.
In a few days time my male staff will be traveling to Perth in Western Australia to meet up with his Dad, his mad sister and her long suffering husband, who are staying there to visit long suffering husband's sister. Then after a week my male staff and his Dad will fly back to Brisbane together so that his Dad can spend some time with my staff, thus allowing mad sister and long suffering husband to get up to all sorts of shenanigans - wild sex orgies, drug taking and serious alcohol consumption, or they might just go out for a cup of coffee and a sticky bun now and again.
The problem that now confronts my staff is was to do with male staff's Dad for ten days. He's eighty five years old and has dicky knee that makes him slower than an asthmatic, arthritic sloth carrying a heavy bag of shopping. They had thought of taking him to a four day cricket match in Brisbane but discounted that idea due to the high probability that the game would be over by the time they got to their seats in the grandstand. He's stayed at my staff's house on several occasions and therefore has seen all the big local attractions. There's "The Big Cow" for example. You can climb up the steps into it's bum and admire the view of the nearby highway through one of it's nostrils. Yes I know it sounds tacky, but by Australian standards it's very tastefully done. Then at the small town of Bli Bli there's a genuine medieval castle built in 1972. I think the creationist movement might have had something to do with it because there is a large tyrannosaurus rex standing on one of the turrets giving kids the impression that dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time as Henry Tudor. Not that Henry Tudor ever visited Australia as far as I'm aware. Anyway my male staff's Dad has been there too.
So it looks as though my male staff and his Dad will be spending a lot of time either inside the house watching Tom, Alfie, Baci and Toby or on the deck drinking endless cups of tea and having deep, meaningful Father and Son bonding discussions, which are always interesting due to male staff's dad's hearing problem.
Male Staff: (Sipping tea.) Nice isn't it?
Dad: What is?
Male Staff: The weather. Nice isn't it?
Male Staff: The weather. I said it's nice weather isn't it?
Dad: Yes, so colourful.
Male Staff: What is?
Dad: Those feathers.
Male Staff: What feathers?
Dad: The one's you were talking about.
Male Staff: I wasn't talking about feathers.
Dad: Yes you were. The feathers on that parrot there on the bird feeder. You said they were nice.
Male Staff: I was talking about the WEATHER. I didn't mention a parrot.
Dad: No thanks, you know I don't like carrots. I've never liked them, you should know that.
Male Staff: I think I'll go in and watch the guinea pigs.
I'm looking forwood to meeting Uncal Billy's male staff's Dad. I think we'll get on like a howse on fire and if he duzzent like karrits then maybe he'll give them to me. I'm always happy to reeseeve karrits. In facked I'm thinking ov starting a werld-wide karrit apeel for unwanted karrits. Ennywun hoo has an unwanted karrit kan send it to me - Baci, Kweensland, Orstraylia.