Stop it this minute! Did you hear me? I said stop it right now! Yes, you - mankind down there on earth. Did you think I can't see you from beyond the Rainbow Bridge? I can you know. I can see everything you do. Honestly, I've only been gone a few weeks and already many of you have forgotten everything I've told you. Stop fighting! And you - the moronic, cowardly zombie in the black bed sheet, put that knife down and let that poor innocent hostage go. You can't just go around lopping folk's heads off like that. And for what? Come on, tell me. What do you hope to achieve apart from turning what's left of the civilised world against you and making life impossible for the vast majority of decent, peace loving Muslims? Hah! Call yourselves followers of Islam! The only thing you're following is your own lust for power and money. You should be ashamed of yourselves. What would your poor old mother think if she could see you now with that knife at the throat of an aid worker? Never mind your mother, what about Allah?
And you needn't look so smug either Mr O'Barmer, Mr Cameron, Mr Hollande and Mr Abbott. I can see you bombing seven shades of bush chocolate out of those ISIL fools. Yes I know they're just a bunch of criminal gangsters who need to be stopped, but you know as well as I do that bombing alone isn't going to do the trick and that sooner or later it's going to take troops on the ground to push them back through the gates of Hell where they belong, so stop telling your voters that it won't happen and don't think for one minute that the Iraqi security forces are up to the task. Hell's bells! They could barely control a slightly peeved croquet audience.
Yes Mr O'Barmer I know this is all the fault of George Dubya, Tony Blair and the "Man of Steel" (Kinda cold and grey.) John Howard. They were very naughty to defy international law and invade Iraq in the first place. Even a guinea pig could see that it could only end in tears, not to mention a whacking great power vacuum. Now then, I want Britain and the USA to go and stand in the naughty corner until I say its okay to come out for propping up and arming Saddam in the first place. You never learn do you? NEVER! Just because you and he shared a dislike of the senile old Ayatollah next door doesn't mean that he was ever a good guy. It's very dangerous to use one despot to contain another. That's something else that most guinea pigs know and you humans obviously don't. A despot is a despot after all and there's no such thing as a good despot. Still, if George, Tony and John had only left Iraq alone they would not be facing this crisis now and there's a fair chance that Libya and Syria wouldn't have gone pear shaped either.
It's more complicated than that, of course it is, but I like to keep it simple when explaining things to less developed life forms. Sadly the Middle East and North Africa is chock full of young men frustrated by repressive regimes, youths ripe for brain washing by so called Islamic extremists who actually have nothing to do with Islam and everything to do with criminality. Then there's the Palestine issue too and the West's (Particularly the USA) unbalanced approached there. Israel seems able to flout United Nations' resolutions with impunity while the Palestinian regime only has to pass bottom wind to be roundly condemned. Of course Hamas are not helping their own cause by declaring that they want to destroy the state of Israel. The powerful Jewish lobby in the States are never going to stand for that, nor should they, but they do need to recognise that Benjamin Netanyahu is probably a war criminal in the class of Slobodan Milosevic. How ironic that an Israeli Prime Minister of all people should put himself in the position of being accused of committing crimes against humanity.
In any case all these problems are dwarfed by the issue that poses more of a threat to the World's security than ISIL, Al Qaida, Hezbollah, Boko Haram and Jemaah Islamiah put together. Yes, it's our old friend Climate Change. Isn't it about time you humans decided to do something serious about it rather than fiddling about the edges and whinging about the cost of saving the planet. This issue has the potential to start more wars than any other. Think of all the disputes over water and food for a start, let alone the flood of refugees when certain parts of the planet become uninhabitable. What a total cock up you humans have made of things since I left to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I'd come back to sort it all out for you but I'm having too much fun here. So, you're on your own guys. pull your fingers out.
Well, I've got no idea wat Uncal Billy is torking abowt, but wat I do no is that if all those stoopid ISIL peepul had a kupple of ginny pigs eech they woodent have the time or the munny to go around behedding peepul. They'd be too bizzy werking twenty two ours a day so they cood pay for the piggies' food and hay and bedding and stuff.