Monday, June 2, 2014


It's a little known fact that guinea pigs are very bookish creatures.  I myself have chewed my way through many of my staff's favourite books, from Chicken Little to Crime and Punishment. I never read between the covers but I do find the cover's themselves endlessly fascinating.  All those wonderful reviews by prominent citizens.  Have you ever seen a book with a poor review on the cover? No of course you haven't.  The publisher would never print it.  Nobody, not even my staff are going to buy a book with a review that says "..........utterly boring and banal.  On no account should you consider purchasing this heap of buffalo dung." 

Publishers are sneaky though, when one of their books gets a bad review they just chop out the bits of the review that they don't want and use the rest of it anyway.  That's why they always have those little dots as part of the review;  it's where they've removed the bits they don't like.  Here are a few examples. I have typed the bit that was actually printed on the cover in bold italics.

If you want to read a book that is ".........engaging, clear eyed, and richly written............" you'd better buy another book.

Honestly! The crap that get's published these days is "......truly remarkable....."

The Leopard Hunts in Darkness has ".........action, heartbreak and romance aplenty......" Sadly this book has none of these.

How this blithering idiot managed to get published is "........more extraordinary than any fiction....."

"Brilliant.............. soft and thoroughly absorbent. ...........soon every household in the nation will have a copy......" hanging in the toilet.

Of course the publishing industry is not the only one guilty of such tricks.  Broadway and West End theatres use the same tactics.

If  ".......the entire cast were...... any more wooden, they'd have to be treated for termites, or better still, used for kindling and set ......on fire........."

Talking of books and movies, did you know that my late friend Badger and I feature in a book by Brian D. Meeks?  You didn't did you? Shame on you. It's called Secret Doors - The Challenge and is available online.  It's a kind of Harry Potter-esque fantasy adventure.  I'm hoping they'll make a movie of the book where my part will be played by Brad Pigg.  I'm not sure who would be cast as Badger.  Charlton Heston would have been good but he's dead of course, although I must say that his death actually improved his acting.

So anyway, because I've been so busy this week, organising my staff and getting Alfie and Tom settled in I've hardly had time to think about what to write in my blog.  The two new guinea pigs need to learn that eating basil is very deleterious to their health, especially if I catch them chowing down on my stash.  They also need to learn that peeing on the floor when out having a run is not acceptable.  Peeing should only be done on my staff's lap, and preferably when they don't have a protective towel. They have a lot to learn but I'll soon whip them into shape.


I red a book wunce, It was terrybull. It was suppozed to be like this reelly funny joke book but I dint hunderstand any ov the jokes. There wuz like these too jokes abowt books and lyeberries and stuff.  Wun went like "Wot noyz duz a chikin make in a lyeberry?" The ansa wuz "book book book book." I dint get at at all. The other wun was like "Wot noyz duz a frog make in a lyeberry?" And the ansa to that wuz "reddit reddit reddit reddit." I dint get that either coz chikins and frogs make them noises wherever they r.  It duzzent matter whether they're in a lyeberry or a moozeum, they're still gunna make the same noyz. Anyway, if all books are as stoopid as that I'm not gunna reed any more.


  1. Billy love the blog. We have to remind mom again to order Secret Doors - The challenge by Mr. Brian. He is a very nice man. Seems like a lot lately we have to remind her do everything! It's exhausting! We only understood the last few sentences of Baci blog. If books are stupid then I dont want to read! Baci books take you on wonderful adventures in your mind and our tasty too! Hope Tom and Alfie are settling in well. Hope you are not trying to hump them Billy. Homeslice & Steve

    1. Thanks for the comment Alaisha, Homeslice & Steve. Mr Brian is indeed a very nice man and you'd probably enjoy his Henry Wood books too if you haven't already read them. I can't be bothered humping these days. Baci has taken over that role.