Happy New Year

At the end of December it is traditional for guinea pigs throughout the world to make predictions for the coming New Year. This dates back to Inca times in Peru. Sadly though in those days, about the only reliable predictions they could make were that in all likelihood they would be bonked on the head by some bloke leading a llama and shoved into a wok to be stir-fried with basil and coriander and served up with fava beans and a cheeky little Chianti.

So, here are a few of my predictions for 2013.

January
America stumbles over the fiscal cliff, but is saved from disaster when it's Calvin Klein fiscal underpants,(fashionably worn so that the label shows above their baggy fiscal trousers,) get snagged on a fiscal tree preventing them from falling to their fiscal death and squashing several smaller nations who are sitting at the foot of the fiscal cliff having a fiscal picnic.

America's fiscal underpants.

February
America's National Rifle Association finally comes up with a solution to the ongoing school mass shooting issue. It funds the distribution of semi-automatic assault rifles to pupils for self defence. Later that same month the NRA President David Keene is tragically shot in a hunting accident when a friend mistakes him for a squirrel. Fortunately the bullet lodged in his brain, so he is pretty much unharmed.

"Go ahead Mom. Make my lunch."

March
Easter is cancelled when scientific proof of the existence of God emerges and it turns out that she is an atheist.

April
My female staff, now fully recovered from her cataract operations sees my male staff  clearly for the first time in months and immediately asks if she can have her cataracts re-inserted.

May
Australia becomes a republic and the nation's first President is mining magnate Clive Palmer. My male staff applies for a job as his official chin carrier. The national flag is changed to a tyrannosaurus rex, rampant with a sinking Titanic background.

My male staff has a full time job as Clive Palmer's official chin carrier.

June
It finally dawns on the USA that the main reason they are in so much debt is because George Dubya decided to get bogged down in an unnecessary multi-trillion dollar war in Iraq and at the same time decided to cut tax for the rich so that Mr and Mrs Average would have to foot the bill. Mind you, the dopey sod wouldn't have felt the need to do that if his daddy had finished the job properly as advised by General "Stormin' Norman".

July
The Wimbledon mens tennis final is washed out and abandoned totally without a single ball being served. This has nothing to do with the weather, but the flood of tears from the centre court crowd and the court being churned to mud as the said crowd try desperately to escape as Sir Cliff Richard stands up to sing "Congratulations".

Sir Cliff Richard passes wind at Wimbledon, then tries to distract everyone by singing "Congratulations".

August
The fifth Ashes cricket test match between England and Australia at the Oval is washed out without a ball being bowled. This has nothing to do with the weather, but the flood of tears from the Members Stand crowd and the pitch being churned to mud as the said crowd try desperately to escape as Sir Cliff Richard stands up to sing "Congratulations".

September
My male staff forgets my female staff' birthday........again, and is exiled to the spare room........again.
While there he has time to think about what he will forget to buy for her birthday in 2014.

October
I finally achieve a lifelong ambition when I succeed in mounting Badger six times in ten minutes while my staff are distracted cleaning up a large pile of bush chocolate, which in a tactical masterstroke, I had deposited on their favourite Moroccan rug.

November
Australia holds a general election and Julia Gillard's Australian Labor Party are defeated by Tony Abbott's Liberal National Party. He immediately decrees that all boats will be towed back to Indonesia. This upsets thousand of passengers on Cunard's Queen Mary as they were rather looking forward to their visit to Sydney. Tony Abbott declares once again that he is not a woman hater and in fact he has several of them cleaning the Lodge for him every day.

December
Our newly proved lady athiest God proclaims "The Three Commandments".
1. Thou shalt not belong to any religious group.
2. Thou shalt repect all animals as though they were human.

Yes I know that's only two, but she is blonde.
In any case, ninety nine percent of the world's conflicts cease almost immediately and many endangered animal species start to grow in numbers.


BADGER'S FOOTNOTE.
My own prediction is that my feet will become even more handsome and that Bill will get caught red handed by his staff when he sneaks up behind me in October, because I will wheek and wheek until someone comes........AHEM!.......hopefully not Billy.  Meanwhile, Billy and I wish you all a very happy and peaceful 2013.