Sunday, September 2, 2012

The President's Speech Writer

I must modestly admit that I have more influence on world politics than most guinea pigs. Last year I posted the following blog and a couple of days later that nice Mr O'Barmer used my ideas in a speech.  Then recently I advised our lovely pointy nosed Prime Minister to sack her advisers, or at the very least start sticking up for herself. Sure enough, in a recent speech she took up the general tone of my post.

Other animals have influenced history too, although not always in the way that they intended due to the stupidity of humans. For example Hitler's German shepherd Blondi told Adolf that he wanted him to round up as many chews as he could.
"Round up all the chews." Said Blondi. 

 Unfortunately Adolf misheard, partly due to his inability to understand Blondi's barks and partly because he was as deaf as a post from listening to Wagner at an excessive volume on his uPod. A uPod by the way, is like an iPod but you can use it under water. In the bath for example.

Adolf Hitler playing with his Bismark moments before a pink u-boat
surfaced underneath it and it was tragically sunk with all hands.

You see that's the trouble with anti-Semitic psychopathic dictators. You just can't rely on their hearing. Members of the Ku Klux Klan are also a bit of a worry. There's nothing wrong with their ears though. It's what's happening between them that is the problem. Well, I say there's nothing wrong with their ears, but that's not strictly true. Their hearing is somewhat impaired by those silly pointy hoods that they wear.  It's a little know fact that the Ku Klux Klan were originally just a support group for very ugly people who were too sensitive to show their faces, but it was gradually infiltrated by an underground group of extremist sheep farmers whose flocks were infinitely better endowed in the brain cell department than their owners.  Sadly though, the white sheep majority firmly believed that they were superior to their black cousins and this attitude spread to the feeble minded farmers. That's the thing you see. Humans who believe that they are superior to others because they're a different colour instantly prove that they are in fact inferior themselves.
Odd isn't it?

I bet the KKK were as mortified as our friend Adolf was, when at the 1936 Berlin Olympics African American Jesse Owens beat everything the "Master Race" could throw at him. The most surprising thing is that he wasn't accused of using a performance enhancing substance - like black skin pigmentation, allowing his body to absorb more energy from the sun. It was at the 1936 Paralympics that visually impaired javelin throwing was trialed and then quickly withdrawn following a spate of spectator injuries. Indeed Polish competitor Uchukket Fertha was disqualified for almost  spearing Hitler himself. Hitler laughed off the incident at the time but three years later invaded Uchukket's country in revenge for the incident.

Polish visually impaired paralympian Uchukket Fertha was disqualified for almost spearing
 Der Fuhrer and for using a rocket propelled javelin.

We in Australia can't exactly hold our head high with pride when it comes to that kind of thing either. It was only in 1967 that Australian Aboriginals were granted citizenship of the continent nation that the white fellas had pinched from them two hundred years earlier, so until then the people who had been in continuous occupation of the land for over fifty thousand years were not counted as Australians. What a hoot! A referendum was held. (White people only of course.) and they magnanimously voted to let Aboriginals become known as Australians. Still nine percent voted against the idea and I doubt that that figure would be any different today.

Hey Ho! Never mind. Humans are beyond my understanding, I'm only a guinea pig. A superior one maybe, but still just a guinea pig. I know I'm superior to Badger at least. Not because Badger is black, but because I spend my days writing speeches for World leaders and he spends his days tidying his cage and colour coding his vegetables so that he can eat them in strict order. Greenest first and reddest last, from basil to tomato. He thinks a racist is someone who takes part in a marathon.


I don't care if Billy does write Mr O'Barmer's speeches. He still pees on his own feet. Billy, that is. Not Mr O'Barmer. 


  1. Brilliant as always Billy. Would like to get hold of an uPod, it would make mandatory pig baths much more pleasant. Or is that supposed to be underwater snacks? Untersee-food?

    To be fair, Badger's superb organizational skills are practical too! You never know, he could be the next Martha Stewart. Minus the ankle accessory.

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