Sunday, August 12, 2012

Killer Queen

Who, apart from Badger and I has been watching the Olympic games on the telly? Our viewing has been a little sporadic due to the fact that my staff seem to feel the need to go to bed absurdly early. They claim it's because they're tired after a hard day at work, but Badger and I are convinced that they have another pair of guinea pigs in their bedroom with whom they are having an affair, Anyway, whatever the reason, the telly gets turned off just as we are getting involved in whatever event is taking place. The lights are flicked off and they call "G'night boys" over their shoulders as they slope furtively off to their bedroom for a spot of illicit cavy cuddling.

We didn't even get to see the opening ceremony which is a great shame because apparently it involved a spectacular entrance by Queen Elizabeth, who slid into the stadium on a flying fox cable from one of the floodlights, wearing a union jack bikini and distributing plush toy corgis to the crowd as she went, while singing "Killer Queen."

"One is a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, guillotine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow one's mind

 At least that what my male staff told us we had missed. I would have liked to have seen that. But no, off went the telly and off went the lights, leaving Badger and I to discuss the lunacy of the Olympic committee who had just threatened a small butcher shop near the sailing venue at Weymouth with a thirty thousand dollar fine for daring to support the games by stringing up five sausage rings simulating the Olympic symbol in his shop window. No kidding, these silly old buggers have gone mad protecting the Olympic brand and those of their sponsors. A flower shop displaying a floral Olympic rings and a cardboard Olympic torch was also threatened with a huge fine. Meanwhile the two major sponsors Coca Cola and McDonalds are protected to an outrageous extent. Members of the public detected eating a Burger King burger or drinking Pepsi within a five mile radius of the Olympic stadium are not only subjected to thirty thousand dollar fines but are forced to do one hundred and fifty hours "community service" flipping burgers at their nearest Maccas.

Butcher sentenced to hang by the neck until he agrees to remove his 
Olympic ring sausages from his shop window.

 Don't you think it's a little odd that wealthy multi-national companies can do pretty much as they please to make a buck out of the games, while the poor buggers who actually paid for the games - the British taxpayers, are not even allowed to make an Olympic symbol out of sausages.  I also find it ironic than anyone regularly partaking of the two main sponsors products are extremely unlikely to be in any shape ever to participate in the games themselves, unless they introduce new sports at the Rio games. Track events like throwing the dentures,  the ten thousand metres for people in need of a triple heart bypass, the hundred metres sprint for athletes who are unlikely to make the first fifty without having a coronary. Then in the pool there's the four hundred metre backstroke whale impression and the ten metre platform belly flop.

Team America's Norma Stits in training for the 10 metre belly flop 
event in Rio 2016

Badger and I are going to miss the closing ceremony too because its on at six in the morning and my staff are too damned lazy to get up, feed us and turn the telly on for us. Honestly, they're so selfish. I really want to watch the closing ceremony too because my male staff tells me that there are rumours that Mick Jagger and Margaret Thatcher will be performing a duet, after which Baroness Thatcher will take part in a demonstration  nude mud wrestling bout with Cliff Richard. Prince Phillip will be there too, handing out eighty thousand union jack sick bags to the spectators. It's going to be great. I'd love to be there but they would never let me in since I can't stand Coca Cola or Big Macs.

Why are Olympic sports always measured in metres? Why can't they be measured in feet? Then it would be worth watching.


  1. Hi Billy. I haven't been watching much of the Olympics. I actually find it a bit boring and always take myself upstairs off to bed when Dad puts it on. x

  2. Hugs Billy n Badger
    We watched it lots and huMum now sleeps during day which is purfectly logical to me. Um Badger weren't you aware that the new name for feet is metres and toes are called centimetres.
    xxx's with Love, Jessie

  3. I'm sorry you missed so much of the Olympics and the closing ceremonies. I very much enjoyed them both.

  4. Whee know how you and Badger feel about missing the closing ceremony. Our humans are bizarre creatures who don't even own a tv. Instead, they let us watch Youtube.