Friday, May 11, 2012

Road Trip

Our house is all a-buzz with the sounds of humans and guinea pigs preparing for a road trip. Badger, myself, my male staff, his mad sister and his dad will be piling into a rental car tomorrow and driving off into the sunset. Or if my male staff's mad sister is at the wheel we may be driving off into the ocean in what would prove to be the shortest road trip ever. Packing up the car will be the biggest challenge.
There's at least three suitcases, two cages for Badger and I, two weeks worth of our veggies and bedding and male staff's dad's wheelie-walker and walking stick. The Hyundai Getz 1400cc is going to be pretty full. To my male staff and mad sister's credit they have come up with a viable solution to the overcrowding problem.

I'll be ready if mad sister drives into the ocean.

The idea is to tie male staff's dad's wheelie-walker to the back of the car with the string from his pyjama bottoms. Male staff's dad would then sit on the seat of the wheelie-walker. He could then be towed along behind, thus freeing up a whole lot of space inside the car. It would have been a win win situation. They'd be more room for the rest of us and the fresh air would be good for my male staff's dad. They had even got as far as devising a system of communication. All male staff's dad had to do to attract the driver's attention was to tap a given number of times on the boot/trunk of the car with his walking stick. One tap for "Please stop, I need a wee." Two taps for "Please stop, I'd like a drink of water." Three taps for "Please stop I'd like something to eat." Four taps for "Please stop, I've just lost my dentures." Five taps for "Please stop I've just fallen off my wheelie walker." My sharper readers may see a minor problem with this last one. In any case it's all academic because my male staff's dad has refused to cooperate. Mad sister says if he's going to be this difficult for the entire trip she'd rather he didn't come.

Badger was the next to complain. He said there was no way he was going to get into any car driven by either my male staff or his mad sister if he didn't have a seat belt, and I must say he has a point. For a while this threatened to preclude our participation in the expedition, but my ever resourceful male staff has found two large, strong rubber bands with which to tie us to our cage bars while the car is in motion. Of course he then had to make sure our food and water was within our reach, but once that was done Badger inspected his handiwork and declared it to be satisfactory, apart of the colour of his elastic band. He insisted on having a green one to remind him of all the basil he'd be missing out on while we're away.

My female staff has made the wise decision to stay at home and look after Paolo the budgie. I think she'll be doing girlie things while we're away like sleeping a lot, eating healthy food, drinking lemon barley water, knitting and playing with kittens if she can find any. No doubt she'll also "do" her nails (whatever that means) and take the opportunity to don one of those scary mask things that's supposed to make her face nice and soft, but in fact only succeeds in frightening the bush chocolate out of my male staff when he unexpectedly encounters her wearing it in the bathroom.

Meanwhile Badger and I will be having our greatest adventure since we flew to Dubai and Badger puked his tabbouleh down the back of an Arab dude's nice white robe. My male staff says we'll be heading for "The Bush" at some stage of our trip. He didn't specify what sort of bush, but it doesn't really surprise me that he expects to end up in a bush if his mad sister is doing some of the driving.

My male staff found out the hard way that it doesn't always pay to be helpful. He popped his head inside the door of mad sister's room as she was packing her large, heavy suitcase for the trip.
  "Soft bag?" He said, waving a hold-all at her.
  "Old twat!" She replied and slammed the door in his face.
This is going to be a very entertaining trip.

Frankly I'd rather go to the vet and have my toenails trimmed than get in a car with Billy's male staff's mad sister at the wheel. 



  1. Another delightful post and I look forward to the ones about the crazy road trip.

  2. Hilarious. Have safe trip!