Friday, February 3, 2012

A Kilo of Basil

To get this blog written I have to balance on my male staff's right shoulder as he sits in front of the laptop and whisper the words I want him to write in his ear. If his grammar is incorrect or he makes a spelling error I bite his ear lobe. It's a system that I find works really well. He rarely makes the same mistake twice, but he does have sore ears and enough ear piercings to hang dozens of earings from. He never utilises the ear piercings though. He says that because they're all on one side it would make his head unbalanced. Of course in my opinion his head is already unbalanced.

Then the other day just as we were settling down to write a new blog post the Nortons anti-virus thingy pops up on the screen to say that it has detected two threats in my blog and had therefore blocked it. I could neither see my completed blog posts nor write a new one. Prompted by several bites to his earlobe my staff made further enquiries and discovered that it wasn't my blog that was the problem at all, it was Blogspot - the blogging medium run by Google. However, as you can see from the appearance of my blog they managed to sort things out between them. This is the trouble with technology, unless you have a degree in computer science you feel so helpless when things go wrong. The only reason my male staff didn't throw the stupid laptop out of the window was that it might kill an ant or something, then there would be tears and feelings of guilt that would last until his next lamb vindaloo.

Now I'd like to draw your attention to a charming fellow by the name of Nigel Franks. This animal loving young man ran over a kangaroo and then dragged it behind his car until he reach the town of Wodonga, where he then dumped the animal in the main street. He was charged with aggravated cruelty and his car was confiscated as this was his fifth motoring offence. This seems pretty lenient to me. What happened to three strikes and you're out? I ask myself why Mr Franks would do such a thing. Well, apart from being an utter dickhead he obviously has no respect for life. People who have no respect for an animal's life are also a danger to human society. I'm willing to bet a kilo of basil to gram of Badger's bush chocolate that this individual will be up before the beak within eighteen months on a charge of assault or something. Animal abuse is so often an early symptom of violent and sociopath tendencies and it's time it was taken more seriously.

It has come to my attention that things are become tense between Britain and Argentina over the Falkland Islands again. "How does this come to the attention of a guinea pig?" I hear you ask a little sceptically, as though you didn't believe that a guinea pig really is responsible for this blog. Well, don't forget that I sit on my male staff's shoulder and sometimes when I'm thinking about what to tell him to write he checks out the BBC website in order to catch up with the news and find out how many goals his precious West Ham United Football Club have lost by. Both the British and the Argentinian governments must be be deeply unpopular at the moment so they're rattling a few sabres at each other to try to distract the unwashed masses at home from the fact that they neither have a job nor any prospect of getting one anytime soon.

Meryl Streep, er sorry, Maggie Thatcher and General Galtieri took it too extremes in the eighties. Back then Maggie was left with no option but to fight those dastardly "Argies" because unemployment had topped three million and she was as popular as python at a guinea pig convention. Then BANG! Down goes the General Belgrano and suddenly she's the best thing that happened to Britain since Sir Francis Drake frightened the Spanish Armada away with his bowls. Maggie says it was a matter of principle and she couldn't let those dastardly Argies get away with invading the Falklands because a dozen or so sheep farmers there wanted to remain British. Principle? Hah! She's the one who said "There's no such thing as society." In other words it's every man for himself. Oh well, at least we know that Mr Cameron won't be invading the Falklands because he had to privatise the Royal Navy to pay for bailing out the Bank of Scotland.

1 comment:

  1. Whee have always agreed on the animal abuse being an early symptom bit, it is a shame that most politicians couldn't care less. Probably too preoccupied with squabbling over the Falklands, or attempting to colonize the moon.